I'm inventing a Holiday

Today marks the dumbest holiday we celebrate in America, Groundhog Day. All over the country, mostly on the east coast, somebody whacks a groundhog on the butt with a stick, causing him to run out into the open. Then he sees a bunch of people, gets scared, and runs back in. Then the townsfolk all get together, skin the groundhog and serve him to the nearest homeless shelter. Then we have 6 more weeks of winter. It's a really fun tradition. Here's some other facts about Groundhog Day you may not know.

- A groundhog and a woodchuck are the same animal. I learned this yesterday. This has really ruined everything for me. Here I thought we had this majestic, mysterious rodent that predicted weather like a furry Paul Douglas, and really all it is is a woodchuck. Have you ever seen a woodchuck? They suck!!

- In Punxsutawney, PA, as many as 50,000 people show up for the celebration at a place that really is called Gobbler's Knob. I think there's a gay bar in Uptown with the same name, although it may just be an alley. I won't disparage this celebration anymore because I'm afraid if I do I'll have to live the same day over and over again.

- In years that the groundhog sees his shadow, signaling 6 more weeks of winter, suicide rates go up. Not dramatically, but enough so that I can make the argument that some people may actually be pushed over the edge by the prognostication of a rodent. That, my friends, is why I love people. If you are willing to end your life because Punxsutawney Phil tells you to, I'd really like to meet you.

-If the groundhog sees his shadow and jumps into the crowd and bites the shit out of people, it is a sign of the apocalypse.

- If the groundhog comes out and dies of a heart attack, it means a cold spring and that summer will bring a plague of locusts.

I'm just lying about those last two of course, but being that Groundhog Day has developed such a loyal following, doesn't it make you optimistic that anybody could just make up a holiday and get people to congregate somewhere?

I'd like to invent a holiday and call it Idiot Day. We'd find some little park someplace, get an empty cage, and put it on a table in the middle of a gazebo. Then a bunch of people would come stare at the cage, waiting for something to happen. After an hour, I'd get up on the gazebo, take the cage, and go home. Everybody still standing there is an idiot. I'm telling you, based on the number of idiots walking around, this could be the most popular holiday ever.