Birthday Memories

Recently I had a birthday. I am now 34. My kids got me an Angry Birds keychain and a Pillow Pet for my birthday. Apparently they think I am 8. Actually it was nice because they thought of the gifts all by themselves, and I had a very fun time. It makes me think back to other birthday's I've had though...

Age 1: Sat in my birthday cake. Crapped my pants.

Age 3: Received a giant wagon and a stern lecture from my grandmother to not touch the lit birthday candles. Crapped my pants.

Age 4: Received a fireman helmet with a flashing light on top that made a loud French police siren noise constantly. My parents, who bought it for me, got annoyed with it in 12 seconds. A kid named Steve stole it. Steve had a brother named Poopy Charlie. Poopy Charlie smelled like poop, hence his name. Anyhow, Steve stole my fireman helmet, my parents rejoiced, and I crapped my pants and cried.

Age 6: Party in my backyard. Got a swingset. 10 years later the swingset was used strictly as a target for apples, because swinging on it meant getting near the rusty, exposed bolts, and possibly cutting yourself and getting instantaneous, permanent lockjaw (or at least that's what my mom told me). Crapped my pants.

Age 8: Party in my backyard again. Got a wood bat that was way too big for me. Accidentally smashed a kid in the head on my backswing with the aforementioned bat. His mom came and got him. He did not attend any more of my birthdays. Also was forced to invite a weird kid because he was the brother of a kid I wanted to invite. The two were a package deal. Lame! The weird kid held a football by the points and kicked it in the middle like it was a watermelon, for christ sakes...

Age 9: Twins game. 10 obnoxiously loud 9 year olds riding down the highway in a busted out station wagon screaming at the top of our lungs the entire time. This was not particularly safe. The Metrodome was about 50% full, and 6 of the 10 kids got lost for longer than 15 minutes during the course of the game. My Dad mentioned to me many times that he needed about 6 scotches afterward to calm him down. Also, the station wagon died about a week later, and my Dad, being a responsible grown up, ditched the car on the side of the road and walked home. Since the title had never been transferred, the guy he bought it from got dinged for the towing expense. Sorry Mr. Pokorny...

Age 12: Rain. Little league game got rained out. We were going to San Francisco the next day, so I had to miss a game. Lots of crying and gigantic temper tantrums ensued, and trying to bargain my way out of the trip so I could play Little League ensued too. I was unsuccessful. We won the game 16-1. I felt no consolation in this.

Age 16: Got Driver's license. Drove off, leaving my mother in my wake. She cried. Drove around Lake Calhoun under the guise of "pickin' up hoochies". Truth be told, probably would have crapped my pants had any real hoochies approached my vehicle. Drove over a turtle. Felt conflicted about this.

Age 18: Went to a strip club. Really super scared of doing this. Decided during the drive over that I would rather fight 20 dragons naked than this. Did not have that choice. Wore tight bicycle pants so that if I got a boner, the prosty-toots wouldn't notice it. Went up on stage. Nearly vomited in a cup mid walk. Got smashed in the face by boobs for a long time. Noticed that one of the strippers drew eyes and a nose above her c-section scar to make a face. Was repulsed by this. Got approached to go in the champagne room. Nearly crapped my pants. Got out of there barely.

Age 21: Drank too much. Not sure of much else. Apparently stumbled into a street light with my head. Nearly crapped my pants.

Age 22: Hit a monstrous home run on my 2nd to last college at bat. Pimped the shit out of it. Played to the crowd. Nearly tripped around 3rd base. Felt dumb.

Age 27: Stared at my wife's gigantic pregnant belly a lot. Also, a mosquito stung me on the sack (side note: that may not have happened on my birthday)

Age 30: Surprise party. I was not surprised as my wife was acting all funny on the way over to my parents. Also, the 50 cars parked outside was kind of a dead giveaway.

Yep, it's been quite a ride. For sweet 35, I'm getting some Sprewells and going hang gliding with paraplegics. Or maybe something different. I don't know...