Brian Picks His Nose

Since being candid and open is one of the things people seem to like about me, let me offer up this: Sometimes I still pick my nose all the time.

Remember in Elementary School there was always one kid who was constantly picking his nose, and then some other kid would catch him doing it and say, "Yuck, he's picking his nose!!" And the nose picking kid would always claim that he was just "itching" the inside of his nose. That kid was me. Occasionally the inside of my nose actually did itch, but not very often.

You know why I picked my nose then and still pick it now? Because there are boogers in there, and they don't belong. They're these little freeloaders, and occasionally they just fall right out of your nose for no good reason, usually when you're doing something important, like interviewing for a job, or trying to trick a girl into letting you hump her. It's much harder to trick a girl into letting you hump her if she thinks rogue boogedies might be randomly ejecting out of you.

My friend Matt taught me the value of having a "booger-pickin'-finger". It's usually your pinkie, so it fits in your nostril, and you let the nail grow a little longer on it for better scooping ability. Just so happens I broke my booger-pickin'-finger in college playing football in study hall (don't ask) and it didn't heal properly, so now it has a little curve to it, which makes it even more effective, a deluxe model if you will.

So if you ever see me driving down the road with my pinkie finger shoved far up my nose, you can take comfort in the fact that I'm engaging in an act of efficient elimination of boogies. And I'm not eating them...