I've seen a lot of really crappy movies lately. The actors are OK but the plots are either really stupid, or in some cases totally absent. In that vein, I've decided to come up with a lists of movies that would be awesome if somebody made them.
-A guy travels back in time to save the dinosaurs from extinction, but while he's there he finds out that the dinosaurs are actually high tech cyborgs made by super intelligent midgets who live on the sun.
-A lawyer fresh out of law school has to defend a boy with down syndrome and kennel cough who is accused of robbing an ice cream truck. They have a love affair during the movie. The lawyer could be a boy or a girl.
-People's boobs begin falling off at a rapid rate. A former gay meth addict turned Private Eye, has to put aside his immense dislike for boobs to find out the biggest secret of all and save Bra companies from certain bankruptcy.
-A OJ Simpson biopic, told from the bloody glove's point of view
-A college slacker and pothead learns that his new roommate is his Anthropology professor who is constantly bleeding from both of his eyes. Hilarity ensues.
-A little league team is sold to an Asian sex ring against their wishes. A former pro ball player who disgraced himself in the World Series by throwing up on Hank Aaron is hired to bring back the team before their big game. Can he find redemption and love in the seedy underbelly of Bangkok?
-A bunch of nerds keep getting beat up by the football team. They invent a potion which turns shoulder pads into venomous spiders. Hilarity and death ensues.
-A man journeys to Alaska to find true serenity. While there he falls in love with a moose.
-A guy can make his couch come to life by saying a magic phrase while wearing snake skin ballhuggers and Rude Dog slip on's. The couch comes alive and they have wild adventures.
-A gang member with a soft spot rescues a kitten from a tree. His homies watch the act of kindness and proceed to beat the piss out of him repeatedly for "being a beeeotch". Hilarity ensues.
Don't tell me that you wouldn't spend $8.50 to see these winners because you'd be a lying lieface if you did. Also, don't steal my ideas. Stealers.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Angry Lumpy Car Wash Girls
Whatever happened to the good old days when high school girls weren't fat? This is a fairly recent phenomenon I'm sure, because when I was in high school, it wasn't the case. Are we that sedentary as a country that even people when their metabolism is at its ultimate best are becoming fat? I noticed this specifically when I stopped at a gas station and there was a carwash for a high school soccer team. This is a soccer team for crying out loud. You run all over the place, you're in high school, how can you not be skinny? But instead, there's all these girls in big ass T-Shirts looking all lumpy and misshapen, and truly unhappy to be there. It was kind of upsetting.
Now let me just interrupt myself here to say that I'm not complaining that I didn't see 17 year olds in bikinis. I'm not that much of a pervert, I promise. This was just an observation, and one that troubled me. High school athletes aren't supposed to be able to be overweight. You have the rest of your life to get fat, trust me.
So I go to get my truck washed (my good deed for the day. I like to hedge my bets by doing one good thing each day, just in case I get hit by a semi, or eaten by a bear, maybe I'll wind up on the outskirts of heaven, greeting the really good people). Anyhow, a big lumpy girl comes up, looks at the size of my truck (it's pretty big), and frowns at me. She says, "Normally we ask for a donation of $5." Then she frowns again. I'm not sure what she's implying. I say something similarly perplexing. "Yeah, I like soccer." Stupid crap like that comes out of my mouth periodically. She continues to frown. She says, "This is a pretty big truck so......" I get it now. I give her 10 bucks and she slowly lumbers back to her cadre who begin to set down their Cheez-It's and their IPhones to come over towards me. Everybody has the same disgruntled look on their face like I just told them they had to take the kid with down syndrome to Homecoming. Everybody except for one girl who looks insanely pleased to wash my truck. I am briefly relieved until she gets closer and I notice she's a coach. So much for that.
They wash my truck for a long time and they don't even bother to get the top which is OK with me because the collective weight of the team might ruin my suspension. Finally they finish, so I roll down my window to say thanks and also because they want to hand me a piece of paper which is a schedule as it turns out. For reasons unknown, the same frowny girl who guilt tripped me into giving a big donation sticks her entire head in my window, so it's really close to mine. I am nervous now. I have also recently put a new air freshener in my car. So she takes about two breaths and begins.... coughing......furiously..... all over my face. My parental disciplining instincts take over so I say, "Stop that, get your head out of here." She withdraws her head and says, "Your air freshener is too strong!" and frowns at me. In another episode of brilliant dialogue, I reply, "It's Apple." She looks at me like she's glad she doesn't have to take me to Homecoming and then the crabby gang of lumpy soccer players slowly shuffles away. As I drive off they are all frowning at me. Why does everyone frown at me?
Now let me just interrupt myself here to say that I'm not complaining that I didn't see 17 year olds in bikinis. I'm not that much of a pervert, I promise. This was just an observation, and one that troubled me. High school athletes aren't supposed to be able to be overweight. You have the rest of your life to get fat, trust me.
So I go to get my truck washed (my good deed for the day. I like to hedge my bets by doing one good thing each day, just in case I get hit by a semi, or eaten by a bear, maybe I'll wind up on the outskirts of heaven, greeting the really good people). Anyhow, a big lumpy girl comes up, looks at the size of my truck (it's pretty big), and frowns at me. She says, "Normally we ask for a donation of $5." Then she frowns again. I'm not sure what she's implying. I say something similarly perplexing. "Yeah, I like soccer." Stupid crap like that comes out of my mouth periodically. She continues to frown. She says, "This is a pretty big truck so......" I get it now. I give her 10 bucks and she slowly lumbers back to her cadre who begin to set down their Cheez-It's and their IPhones to come over towards me. Everybody has the same disgruntled look on their face like I just told them they had to take the kid with down syndrome to Homecoming. Everybody except for one girl who looks insanely pleased to wash my truck. I am briefly relieved until she gets closer and I notice she's a coach. So much for that.
They wash my truck for a long time and they don't even bother to get the top which is OK with me because the collective weight of the team might ruin my suspension. Finally they finish, so I roll down my window to say thanks and also because they want to hand me a piece of paper which is a schedule as it turns out. For reasons unknown, the same frowny girl who guilt tripped me into giving a big donation sticks her entire head in my window, so it's really close to mine. I am nervous now. I have also recently put a new air freshener in my car. So she takes about two breaths and begins.... coughing......furiously..... all over my face. My parental disciplining instincts take over so I say, "Stop that, get your head out of here." She withdraws her head and says, "Your air freshener is too strong!" and frowns at me. In another episode of brilliant dialogue, I reply, "It's Apple." She looks at me like she's glad she doesn't have to take me to Homecoming and then the crabby gang of lumpy soccer players slowly shuffles away. As I drive off they are all frowning at me. Why does everyone frown at me?
Monday, August 18, 2008
SPAM
Every night I go to sleep, and during my peaceful nighttime slumber I am inundated with bizarre, spammy emails. Usually 6 or 7 of them a night show up, ranging from the usual to the extremely bizarre. The usual Spam is one of a few topics:
1.) Enlarge your penis-Why is everyone so concerned with the size of my penis? Leave my penis alone. It concerns me when I get an email from somebody called Ernesto Frogbody and he wants to help grow my penis, like it's a rhubarb or something. I send an email back and say "I don't roll that way Ernesto, please use your magic penis growing wand on someone else." Surprisingly, I never get a response back.
2.) Naked pictures of Angelina Jolie- Sounds worthwhile, but I am always skeptical when I get an email from Borox Q. Squall (real email) and it has a "RE:" in the subject. Now, I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I think I would remember sending an email to somebody named Borox Q. Squall. That name sort of lingers. And then in the body it says something like, "Good Morning my good ally, Anjelena Golie wears no the clothes." Now, let's just pretend for a second that I wasn't sure whether I had a friend named Borox Q. Squall or not. This opening sentence would prove that I didn't because none of my friends would ever start out an email with "good morning my good ally." If it started "Hey bighead," then I might be more inclined to believe it.
3.) An uber-rich foreign dignitary wants to give me a zillion dollars for nothing- This is an old familiar scam that apparently still works because if it didn't, I wouldn't still be getting mail from Grand High Prince Longo Bogongo. Personally, if you fall for this scam still today you are either:
a) Old
b) Retarded
or c) An old retard
It makes me wonder why Nigerians are so fond of email scams. What's the correlation there?
This accounts for about 90% of my Spam, and it goes right into the trash. Either that or I forward it to my mom, in an attempt to be a Spam middle man. Then, occasionally I get really wild emails that make no sense but are filled with extreme hilarity. For instance, I'll get an email from someone and the subject will be "Does Eggplant really cure sludging feet diseases????? Scientist point to OF COURSE!!!" At 7:30 in the morning this is a little hard to absorb. So I stare blankly at it for about 5 minutes trying to cull anything even remotely reasonable from this message until I finally come to the conclusion that this means absolutely nothing. I mean really, what the hell is a sludging foot disease?? It sounds kind of yucky, but it doesn't exist (Side Note: I googled it just now to be sure). I want to email this person back and impart this wisdom on them, but unfortunately the email was sent by Mister Empty Space and I can't. Which brings me to my next question. Why send Spam if you can't be contacted back? What if I am an old retard who is very concerned about Sludging foot disease and I want to buy some eggplant at a dramatic mark up but I can't because Mister Empty Space has no email address? What then? The store? With it's normal, non-therapeutic eggplants? I'm shit out of luck. Who would write this? I think if I was trying to con idiots out of their money I would think of a subject that was a little more persuasive, and a little less strange than "Does Eggplant really cure sludging feet diseases?????" But that's just me.
1.) Enlarge your penis-Why is everyone so concerned with the size of my penis? Leave my penis alone. It concerns me when I get an email from somebody called Ernesto Frogbody and he wants to help grow my penis, like it's a rhubarb or something. I send an email back and say "I don't roll that way Ernesto, please use your magic penis growing wand on someone else." Surprisingly, I never get a response back.
2.) Naked pictures of Angelina Jolie- Sounds worthwhile, but I am always skeptical when I get an email from Borox Q. Squall (real email) and it has a "RE:" in the subject. Now, I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I think I would remember sending an email to somebody named Borox Q. Squall. That name sort of lingers. And then in the body it says something like, "Good Morning my good ally, Anjelena Golie wears no the clothes." Now, let's just pretend for a second that I wasn't sure whether I had a friend named Borox Q. Squall or not. This opening sentence would prove that I didn't because none of my friends would ever start out an email with "good morning my good ally." If it started "Hey bighead," then I might be more inclined to believe it.
3.) An uber-rich foreign dignitary wants to give me a zillion dollars for nothing- This is an old familiar scam that apparently still works because if it didn't, I wouldn't still be getting mail from Grand High Prince Longo Bogongo. Personally, if you fall for this scam still today you are either:
a) Old
b) Retarded
or c) An old retard
It makes me wonder why Nigerians are so fond of email scams. What's the correlation there?
This accounts for about 90% of my Spam, and it goes right into the trash. Either that or I forward it to my mom, in an attempt to be a Spam middle man. Then, occasionally I get really wild emails that make no sense but are filled with extreme hilarity. For instance, I'll get an email from someone and the subject will be "Does Eggplant really cure sludging feet diseases????? Scientist point to OF COURSE!!!" At 7:30 in the morning this is a little hard to absorb. So I stare blankly at it for about 5 minutes trying to cull anything even remotely reasonable from this message until I finally come to the conclusion that this means absolutely nothing. I mean really, what the hell is a sludging foot disease?? It sounds kind of yucky, but it doesn't exist (Side Note: I googled it just now to be sure). I want to email this person back and impart this wisdom on them, but unfortunately the email was sent by Mister Empty Space and I can't. Which brings me to my next question. Why send Spam if you can't be contacted back? What if I am an old retard who is very concerned about Sludging foot disease and I want to buy some eggplant at a dramatic mark up but I can't because Mister Empty Space has no email address? What then? The store? With it's normal, non-therapeutic eggplants? I'm shit out of luck. Who would write this? I think if I was trying to con idiots out of their money I would think of a subject that was a little more persuasive, and a little less strange than "Does Eggplant really cure sludging feet diseases?????" But that's just me.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Notes from the Olympics
So lately I've been watching a lot of the Olympics on TV, mainly because my wife is watching them and it's a lot easier to just sit there than to try and negotiate some kind of fair and balanced TV deal. I'm a path of least resistance guy, always have been, always will be. It's also a little bit because I have somehow developed a giant man crush on Michael Phelps for all of his winning even though his mouth has way too much space in it, especially in between his teeth and gums. I don't understand it, but he has a little compartment there. It's probably where he keeps his gills.
I've also watched some beach volleyball and I think it's safe to say that I have no idea who wins or loses these matches, only that they are the Olympic equivalent of the lingerie models playing "football" at halftime of the Super Bowl
Wife: Wow, what a nice rally.
(Brian says nothing while mouth is hanging agape while staring at chicks butts)
Wife (pointedly): Brian? Nice rally huh?
Brian (confusedly emerging from butt coma): HUH?? Too much splash?
Wife: Wrong event dummy.
Finally, I've noticed that they aren't showing too much of the outside of Beijing. I've heard that a giant cloud of mysterious crud settled over the top of the city on the day the Olympics started and nobody knows what it is but it won't leave. They keep calling it smog, but it isn't smog. It's like a really big ghost that likes Synchronized Diving or something. I keep hoping they send Godzilla in to fight it. Imagine that. Godzilla vs the Giant Smog Ghost. That would be way more fun than the Olympics. Either that or send in the Mystery Machine. Then they'd eventually find out that the Giant Smog Ghost was actually Mr Carruthers the handyman, and Scooby-Doo would eat a gymnast and everybody would laugh. Again, that would be way more fun than the Olympics.
I've also watched some beach volleyball and I think it's safe to say that I have no idea who wins or loses these matches, only that they are the Olympic equivalent of the lingerie models playing "football" at halftime of the Super Bowl
Wife: Wow, what a nice rally.
(Brian says nothing while mouth is hanging agape while staring at chicks butts)
Wife (pointedly): Brian? Nice rally huh?
Brian (confusedly emerging from butt coma): HUH?? Too much splash?
Wife: Wrong event dummy.
Finally, I've noticed that they aren't showing too much of the outside of Beijing. I've heard that a giant cloud of mysterious crud settled over the top of the city on the day the Olympics started and nobody knows what it is but it won't leave. They keep calling it smog, but it isn't smog. It's like a really big ghost that likes Synchronized Diving or something. I keep hoping they send Godzilla in to fight it. Imagine that. Godzilla vs the Giant Smog Ghost. That would be way more fun than the Olympics. Either that or send in the Mystery Machine. Then they'd eventually find out that the Giant Smog Ghost was actually Mr Carruthers the handyman, and Scooby-Doo would eat a gymnast and everybody would laugh. Again, that would be way more fun than the Olympics.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Random Questions
Here are a couple things I don't understand that I saw while driving the other day.
1.) I was driving behind a guy, whose license plate clearly distinguished the fact that he was a POW. I mean his license plate was POW-1342 or something like that. Then down the left hand side of the license plate in smaller letters it said "Former." Do I really need to be told that?? Does somebody actually think I might be led to believe that this man is a current POW? That he's been captured in the bloody Burnsville-Eagan war, but they let him out on a weekend furlow to go to Target? How stupid. It's the same thing with these guys with license plates that say "Korean War-Retired" on them. Well no shit you're retired buddy, you're probably 80. If you're still out fighting the Korean War in 2008 in Minnesota, you're probably doing a lot of slinking around by grocery stores in the 'hood.
2.) Why do some people who speed excessively on the highway, also use their blinkers perfectly? You're already breaking the law by speeding, what's the point in "sort of" obeying the law. It's like beating a guy to death, but doing it in a public place, so you aren't trespassing.
Think about that....
1.) I was driving behind a guy, whose license plate clearly distinguished the fact that he was a POW. I mean his license plate was POW-1342 or something like that. Then down the left hand side of the license plate in smaller letters it said "Former." Do I really need to be told that?? Does somebody actually think I might be led to believe that this man is a current POW? That he's been captured in the bloody Burnsville-Eagan war, but they let him out on a weekend furlow to go to Target? How stupid. It's the same thing with these guys with license plates that say "Korean War-Retired" on them. Well no shit you're retired buddy, you're probably 80. If you're still out fighting the Korean War in 2008 in Minnesota, you're probably doing a lot of slinking around by grocery stores in the 'hood.
2.) Why do some people who speed excessively on the highway, also use their blinkers perfectly? You're already breaking the law by speeding, what's the point in "sort of" obeying the law. It's like beating a guy to death, but doing it in a public place, so you aren't trespassing.
Think about that....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
