Angry Lumpy Car Wash Girls

Whatever happened to the good old days when high school girls weren't fat? This is a fairly recent phenomenon I'm sure, because when I was in high school, it wasn't the case. Are we that sedentary as a country that even people when their metabolism is at its ultimate best are becoming fat? I noticed this specifically when I stopped at a gas station and there was a carwash for a high school soccer team. This is a soccer team for crying out loud. You run all over the place, you're in high school, how can you not be skinny? But instead, there's all these girls in big ass T-Shirts looking all lumpy and misshapen, and truly unhappy to be there. It was kind of upsetting.

Now let me just interrupt myself here to say that I'm not complaining that I didn't see 17 year olds in bikinis. I'm not that much of a pervert, I promise. This was just an observation, and one that troubled me. High school athletes aren't supposed to be able to be overweight. You have the rest of your life to get fat, trust me.

So I go to get my truck washed (my good deed for the day. I like to hedge my bets by doing one good thing each day, just in case I get hit by a semi, or eaten by a bear, maybe I'll wind up on the outskirts of heaven, greeting the really good people). Anyhow, a big lumpy girl comes up, looks at the size of my truck (it's pretty big), and frowns at me. She says, "Normally we ask for a donation of $5." Then she frowns again. I'm not sure what she's implying. I say something similarly perplexing. "Yeah, I like soccer." Stupid crap like that comes out of my mouth periodically. She continues to frown. She says, "This is a pretty big truck so......" I get it now. I give her 10 bucks and she slowly lumbers back to her cadre who begin to set down their Cheez-It's and their IPhones to come over towards me. Everybody has the same disgruntled look on their face like I just told them they had to take the kid with down syndrome to Homecoming. Everybody except for one girl who looks insanely pleased to wash my truck. I am briefly relieved until she gets closer and I notice she's a coach. So much for that.

They wash my truck for a long time and they don't even bother to get the top which is OK with me because the collective weight of the team might ruin my suspension. Finally they finish, so I roll down my window to say thanks and also because they want to hand me a piece of paper which is a schedule as it turns out. For reasons unknown, the same frowny girl who guilt tripped me into giving a big donation sticks her entire head in my window, so it's really close to mine. I am nervous now. I have also recently put a new air freshener in my car. So she takes about two breaths and begins.... coughing......furiously..... all over my face. My parental disciplining instincts take over so I say, "Stop that, get your head out of here." She withdraws her head and says, "Your air freshener is too strong!" and frowns at me. In another episode of brilliant dialogue, I reply, "It's Apple." She looks at me like she's glad she doesn't have to take me to Homecoming and then the crabby gang of lumpy soccer players slowly shuffles away. As I drive off they are all frowning at me. Why does everyone frown at me?