Burritos and How Not to Order Them.

I love burritos. Especially Chipotle Burritos. I don't care that they're like 8000 calories, I still eat them a lot. I eat them often enough to know about the "Chipotle Window", the time you can go and there won't be a massive line of people ordering people before you. That way I can get in, get out, and begin the wonderful eating process.

I've even learned to slow down while eating them, because I used to eat them so fast that by the time I was done my brain hadn't figured out that my stomach was full yet, and then I'd have to sit there for 5 minutes consumed with anger because I wanted more burrito. I even emailed Chipotle and asked them to make an "El Grande" burrito that was 25% larger just for guys like me. The representative who emailed me back suggested I order a taco or two with my burrito. He was stupid!

Occasionally, due to unforeseen circumstances, I wind up missing the Chipotle Window and standing in an immense line. This always bothers me because there is always at least one person in front of me who was no idea how to order a burrito. This slows down the line considerably. The employees are relatively efficient but for the most part they speak Spanish, and what I refer to as "Burrito English", in that they understand words like "chicken", "black beans" and "fajita". Anything other than that causes a huge bottleneck and makes me want to choke slam the offending patron.

I knew I was in for an maddeningly long wait when I heard this lady say this.

Lady: I want a....... um....... burrito.

Worker: Kind of meat?

Lady: Uh, what kind you got? What's that one?

Worker: Steak.

Lady: No that one.

Worker: This one? Carnitas.

Lady: Carnitas? What's a carnita? Never mind, what's that one?

(Brian's blood begins to boil)

Worker: Chicken

Lady: Oh, well I want steak.

(Dammit lady, get moving!!)

Worker: Kind of beans?

Lady: Beans?? I want some vegetables.

Worker: Fajita?

Lady: What? No I want some VE-GE-TA-BLES. And I also want some beans.

(AAAAHHHHHH!!)

Worker: Kind of salsa?

Lady: Now.... let... me.... see. Oh, are those tomatoes?

(It's fucking salsa lady!)

Lady: And what's that green stuff?

Worker: Guac.

Lady: What is it in English?

Worker: Guac. Guacamole.

Lady: Ooh, I want Guacamole.

Worker: Guac is 50 cent extra.

Lady: What?? Well how much is my total then.

(53 cents more than it was before, and I'm going to poop in your mouth soon!!)

Then she went to the register, left her cigarettes behind, had to go back and retrieve them, and then proceeded to pay with change, and not well organized change either. Really, she deserved a good slaughtering.

I think the lesson to be learned here is this, to paraphrase Treach from Naughty By Nature. If you ain't never been to Chipotle, don't ever go to Chipotle, cuz you wouldn't understand it in Chipotle. And there might be a big headed fellow lurking nearby to kill you and eat your burrito.