25 Things

I keep getting these emails with these 25 random facts about people on them. I don't know about you, but I don't want to know 25 things about anybody, even my own family. I figure the less I know about people, the less likely it is that they will kill me in my sleep. With that logic in mind, I'd like to give you 25 things that are not true about me, so that perhaps I won't have reason to choke you while you sleep someday.

1.) I was born with a prehensile tail. Sometimes I still use it to strangle people if my arms are tired.
2.) My favorite cereal is Urkel-O's.
3.) I like to sprinkle crack on my Urkel-O's.
4.) When I was 4 I was abducted by a homeless person but he let me go because he had no place to store me.
5.) I once dated a girl with antlers.
6.) I have an uncontrollable fear of the Constitution.
7.) My sister is imaginary.
8.) I caught a giant squid while fishing off the coast of Lake Superior. The bait? Urkel-O's.
9.) I have nightmares about Germans.
10.) I would drink my own pee on a dare. I would drink someone else's pee on a Double Dare.
11.) When I grow up, my biggest goal is to become a mammal.
12.) I once made love to Marge Schott. Schottzie watched.
13.) I have Restless Head Syndrome. Sometimes my head flips all over the place.
14.) I saw Satan buying Chamomile Tea at Cub Foods.
15.) I think rabid animals make the best pets.
16.) I Nair my taint hair once a week. It sure hurts.
17.) I have a tattoo on my back but I have no idea what it's of.
18.) I once ate an entire Unicorn, even the horn.
19.) My fourth grade teacher tried to drown me in the drinking fountain.
20.) One time I put out a house fire just by blowing on it really, really, super hard.
21.) If I was a serial killer, I would make sure the papers all called me "The Minneapolis Strangler" even if I just stabbed people.
22.) I believe "hard kick to the crotch" would be a better means of introductory greeting than "handshake"
23.) Cats follow me everywhere when I play the flute.
24.) My buttocks aches when tornados are nearby.
25.) I hate cockfighting because my pants always get all ripped.

Sometimes I Lie All The Time.

Do you ever lie for no good reason? Sometimes I'll be talking to somebody and a bunch of lies will just come spilling out of my mouth. I have no idea why this happens, but it can be pretty fun to see how many things you can lie about before the person you're talking to figures out that you are a big, giant, horrible, evil, lying lieface.

Usually when I start lying it's to somebody I barely know, like some girl cutting my hair or the clerk at the gas station. That way after I finish lying to them I don't have to remember the lie because chances are we'll never have another conversation. That's a risky part about lying. Sometimes you forget your own lie and then the person you lied to asks you something a month later pertaining to your lie and you have no idea what they're talking about.

Person: So, did your aunt ever receive that baboon uterus she needed?
You: What? Her uterus is fine.
Person: But you said her uterus fell out while she was driving on that bumpy road in Antarctica.
You (to yourself): Uh oh, you have forgotten your lie..... lie some more to cover up!
You: Um, they found it perfectly preserved in ice and put it back in. Everything is OK now. She just needs special anti rejection underpants.

That's a little scary. But most of the time lying can be very fun and rewarding.

Stylist: Pretty cold huh?
Me: Yep, must have brought it with me when I got back.
Stylist: Where'd you come from?
Me (Lying): Uh, Patagonia.
Stylist: Where's that?
Me (Lying more): Near the Isle of Lesbos.
Stylist: Oh. What was there?
Me (Lying a lot): My brother's girlfriend was raised there by a kindly shepherd who also started a world famous rock band. Ever heard of U2?
Stylist: He started U2??
Me (Still lying): Yep. He also invented V8. He liked the whole letters/numbers combination thing.
Stylist: Wow, that's fun.
Me (Over-the-top lying): Uh huh. Did I mention he did all this even though he was born with no skull? He has to paper mache his brains in every day.
Stylist: Um, I think you're done...

Lying is a great way to pass the time, you just have to make sure to find the right person, otherwise you'll wind up looking like a liar, and that is embarrassing, because some people can just tell.

Person: Did you see Rambo II?
You (Lying): Yep.
Person: YOU LIAR!!!!

Don't lie to that person. Most everybody else is OK though.

The Gym Bathroom Dilemma

I don't like the bathroom at the gym. I was wondering what was causing this uneasy feeling I get after I'm done with my workout, and I believe I've finally pinpointed it.

First off, the locker room, as we already know, is filled with fat, naked people with nearly absent penises who have absolutely no understanding of discretion when it comes to doing things like contorting themselves so they can see around their stomachs to do a testicular self-examination while they are 18 inches away from my face, and I can't move away because on the other side of me is some naked guy who's talking nonchalantly on his cell phone while he smells his own underpants before putting them back on. So right away I am on edge.

Then there's the bathroom, which is loaded with design flaws. Let me explain. From left to right we have handicapped toilet, regular toilet, urinal, urinal, urinal, urinal, as places you could potentially pee. You can immediately forget the two toilets, because that's where people go to poop, and that's just too creepy to even think about peeing in.

Then you have urinal 1. It might be OK to pee there, but only if there's nobody in the toilets, especially the regular toilet. You could accidentally touch feet with a pooping person, or somebody trying to pull a Larry Craig on you. That would be terrible.

Urinals 2 and 3 are automatically out because they are middle urinals and some crazy unaware naked person might come pee right next you and violate the Urinal Proximity Doctrine. The Urinal Proximity Doctrine states that you shall not pee in a urinal directly next to another urinal that already has a person peeing in it. Should you be forced to wait for an acceptable urinal, it is perfectly fine to wash your hands and look at yourself in the mirror. Just don't stand around doing nothing because then you'll look like a person who just likes to watch other people go to the bathroom, and that might get you beat up, or gang-raped or something.

Urinal 4 is definitely your best option. On one side is a wall, which is always good, and even most clueless, nondiscrete, fat, penisless naked people won't trap you between themselves and a wall. But some will, so always be aware, and plan your escape route accordingly.

Another problem with this bathroom, is that it seems like every time I walk in, the air freshener thing goes off. I wonder if it's set to automatically spray every 5 minutes or whatever, or if it's somehow programmed to spray whenever something foul smelling enters the bathroom. So then I'm concerned that I stink and don't know it, like an old person.

So out of 6 places to pee, there's really only 1 halfway decent choice there, and even then, you can't be sure you'll be completely safe. Compound that with the fact that you may or may not smell bad enough to make the air freshener take decisive action, along with the knowledge that there's a large cluster of naked men milling around 10 feet behind you waiting to scare you, and using the bathroom at the gym can prove to be as difficult as the actual workout.

Should I tell her?

The other night I had a dream that I was standing in my house when I heard loud pooping and farting noises coming from the bathroom, like, loud enough to make the cat run away. I thought to myself, "Wow, which one of the kids is doing that??" Then out of the bathroom stepped this person who I only know a little bit. She looked at me, did a weird little dance, and said, "God, I'm glad it's not my birthday on Thursday." That was the dream.

Now, I know that eventually me and this person's path will cross again. My question is, should I tell her about the dream? I really want to but I'm concerned the exchange might go like this:

Me: Hey, remember me, your friend's sister's husband?
Her: Sorta.
Me: Good. Anyhoo, I dreamt that you were crapping loudly in my bathroom, and then you danced around and said you were glad your birthday wasn't Thursday. Isn't that funny?
Her: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU PSYCHO??
Me: Um, uh oh.....

I'm pretty sure that's what will happen. But I still want to tell her. Hey, you don't want to hear it, quit coming into my dreams to take a dump. Seems pretty logical to me.

Bedtime Stories

Occasionally my kids will ask me to tell them a bedtime story. Not read a story, but actually make up something that passes as a suitable transition from running around like hyenas on meth to being unconscious. I am always supremely confident that I can pull off this herculean task, but usually I wind up sucking. It's like my creativity slinks out of my body, perhaps via my butt, whenever I begin. The kids don't help much either

Me: Ok, um, once upon a time there was a little girl.

Daughter: No, a princess.

Me: Uh, ok, once upon a time there was a princess and a prince named...

Son: No, a garbage truck.

Me: Right right, so there was this princess and this garbage truck and they lived in a faraway kingdom

Daughter: No, they lived in Minnesota
Son: They lived in Radiator Springs.

Me: Um.....sure, so one day they were walking...

Daughter: No, the princess was riding in the garbage truck

Me: Ok, they were riding in the garbage truck

Son: Into the forest

Me: When they got lost. They were very scared until they saw their daddy...

Daughter: No, they saw a scary monster.

Me: Uh, that would make them more scared.

Kids: Yeah!!

Me: Fine, but then the monster exploded and died and the princess and the garbage truck found their way out of the forest where their daddy was smiling and waiting to hug them.

Daughter: No, it was Hannah Montana.

Me: And they all lived happily ever in Radiator Springs, Minnesota. The End. Now go to bed.

Kids: No way! Go get Mommy!!

Brian runs over a Bird.

How many animals have you run over in your life? The reason I wonder is that this morning I ran over a bird and I'm thinking that has to make about 10 things I've run over in my life. I'm wondering if that's a high number or a low number or just about par for 15 years of driving. I've never run over any people yet, I guess that's a good thing, but one time I did a U-Turn and almost hit a brown guy on a bike. He was not pleased with me.

So after this bird I think I have run over the following:

A few birds- It's hard to tell sometimes because birds are little and usually the same color as the street.

A squirrel or two- This happens because squirrels do this stupid thing where they sprint past your car and then do a quick 180 to wind up back under your tires.

A Canadian Honker-It was early one morning and I was driving and a car was stopped in the middle of the road and I couldn't figure out why so I went around her and crushed a goose she had stopped for. Oops. I felt really bad and this lady compounded things by screaming at me that she wished somebody would run me over. I responded with a stream of profanities that shocked even me. I'm glad she didn't call the cops because I probably could have been busted for whatever the law's equivalent of being really scary and gross was.

An Opossum- Maybe he was just "playing himself" and fooling me though.

A Deer- This inspired a really bizarre confrontation between me and the deer afterwards. I was driving home from college, when this really depressed deer decided to commit suicide using my car. I remember seeing him and saying "OHOHOH" as I smashed into him. In retrospect, maybe trying to avoid him would have been a better strategy. Anyhow, I stopped the car and started walking back towards him to make sure he wasn't suffering. At some point on my walk I thought, "What am I going to do if he is alive?" A deer is too big to step on and squish. I decided that I'd have to choke him. So here I am, walking along Hwy 90, fully preparing to choke a deer, and I didn't even have my choking gloves with me. Luckily he was dead.

A Baby Lion- At least that's what it looked like, although when I went back to find it nothing was there. I will tell you that I was intentionally covert about searching for it just in case there was a pride of angry lions out stalking around near Waseca.

Also one time I saw a dead cow on the side of the road which was pretty unusual. And I heard that Dick Cheney ran over a panda once. So is that a lot of things to run over? I hope not.

The Best Mexico Information Guide Ever.

I just returned from Mexico and I've developed a list of very poorly thought out generalizations about Mexican culture and Mexico in general. So if you've never been to Mexico, you should use this list as kind of a guidebook to help you through your travels.

1.) Mexico serves your kids food at the same time as the appetizers- This is without a doubt the dumbest fuckin' idea in the history of people or food. Here's a little test of your knowledge about kids at restaurants.
-At a restaurant your child will most definitely:
a. Eat all his/her food and then sit and have pleasant conversation with the rest of the table until all are finished
b. Politely color and enjoy the scenery
c. Hide under the table, throw napkins, scream intermittently, horde sugar packets like they had crack in them, and spill at least 4 things until you want to hurl them off the veranda.

If you answered "C" you have kids. If you answered A or B, your kids are actually cyborgs and you should run away fast. So Mexico compounds this little problem by serving the kids 20 minutes before they serve the adults. I am confounded by this logic. I want to eat my Dog Burrito in peace.

2.) Mexicans want to sell you junk you could find at Goodwill- The beach is littered with tiny little people selling t-shirts with beer logos on them, costume jewelry, toys that break if you touch them, serapes, partially used sunscreen, and the kicker; shrimp on a stick. Why on earth would you buy any of this, but especially food?? Yeah, let's buy seafood that's been out in the sun all day and eat it. I'd rather eat turds. Then there are some people who walk around selling nothing. A guy walked by with a little ventriloquist's dummy on his shoulder that had cymbals for a mouth which clanged every 4 seconds or so and he proceeded to sing "La Bamba" in it's entirety (including some verse that I never heard come out of Richie Valens' mouth) and then he wanted money. Again, I'd rather eat turds.

3.) I can't speak Spanish for shit- Here is a conversation I had with a person I wanted towels from:

Person: BLBLBKLNJAJDJADBNJA <- (That's Spanish that I don't understand)
Me: Um... Si?
Person: WFHUJWDBUWDNWIDNW
Me: Uhhhhh... Dos.
Person (Emphatically): BABBDADBNJUNDQUIDNQUIDN!!!!!
Me (Panicking): Uh....I don't know!!?.... Mi Vida Loca??
Person: Dude, just say towels already....

4.) Mexican waterslides are scary- I went down this waterslide that was completely dark and enclosed like a toilet paper roll. It was really fast and it went on forever. I tried to slow myself down by grabbing the top of the waterslide but all I got for my troubles was a nasty waterslide burn on my fingers (it stings). In the process of trying to slow down and burning myself I accidentally flipped over so I was now flying ass first and on my face. Not good. My taint hit the pool at like Mach 4 and I didn't even know to brace for it. Also, not good.

5.) Mexican pirate ships are poorly constructed- We went on this pirate ship for a day of raping and pillaging people, and kayaking. Even though the seas were very calm the pirate ship still made cracking sounds all the time and it bounced around like a fat girl on an exercise ball. People were getting sick and even the pirates were falling over. But we did get to rape and pillage, which is legal in Mexico.

6.)If you go into the jungle, there are machetes laying everywhere- I can say this because I went into the jungle and I found a machete laying there. Then I killed a bunch of stuff with it, mostly plants. I'm glad there were no people around though. Machetes make you want to kill things.

7.) There are approximately zero Mexican people taller than me- I felt like Manute Bol.

8.) Mexican candy tastes like sweaty throw up- It is made from tamarinds (whatever they are) and is billed as tasting "sweet and spicy." What it actually tasted like was a biopsy of my armpit skin if I had puked all over it and then left it in a dead man's butt for a week. It was worse than pickled okra.

Anyhow, that's the list. Now go to Mexico.