25 Things

I keep getting these emails with these 25 random facts about people on them. I don't know about you, but I don't want to know 25 things about anybody, even my own family. I figure the less I know about people, the less likely it is that they will kill me in my sleep. With that logic in mind, I'd like to give you 25 things that are not true about me, so that perhaps I won't have reason to choke you while you sleep someday.

1.) I was born with a prehensile tail. Sometimes I still use it to strangle people if my arms are tired.
2.) My favorite cereal is Urkel-O's.
3.) I like to sprinkle crack on my Urkel-O's.
4.) When I was 4 I was abducted by a homeless person but he let me go because he had no place to store me.
5.) I once dated a girl with antlers.
6.) I have an uncontrollable fear of the Constitution.
7.) My sister is imaginary.
8.) I caught a giant squid while fishing off the coast of Lake Superior. The bait? Urkel-O's.
9.) I have nightmares about Germans.
10.) I would drink my own pee on a dare. I would drink someone else's pee on a Double Dare.
11.) When I grow up, my biggest goal is to become a mammal.
12.) I once made love to Marge Schott. Schottzie watched.
13.) I have Restless Head Syndrome. Sometimes my head flips all over the place.
14.) I saw Satan buying Chamomile Tea at Cub Foods.
15.) I think rabid animals make the best pets.
16.) I Nair my taint hair once a week. It sure hurts.
17.) I have a tattoo on my back but I have no idea what it's of.
18.) I once ate an entire Unicorn, even the horn.
19.) My fourth grade teacher tried to drown me in the drinking fountain.
20.) One time I put out a house fire just by blowing on it really, really, super hard.
21.) If I was a serial killer, I would make sure the papers all called me "The Minneapolis Strangler" even if I just stabbed people.
22.) I believe "hard kick to the crotch" would be a better means of introductory greeting than "handshake"
23.) Cats follow me everywhere when I play the flute.
24.) My buttocks aches when tornados are nearby.
25.) I hate cockfighting because my pants always get all ripped.