The Gym Bathroom Dilemma

I don't like the bathroom at the gym. I was wondering what was causing this uneasy feeling I get after I'm done with my workout, and I believe I've finally pinpointed it.

First off, the locker room, as we already know, is filled with fat, naked people with nearly absent penises who have absolutely no understanding of discretion when it comes to doing things like contorting themselves so they can see around their stomachs to do a testicular self-examination while they are 18 inches away from my face, and I can't move away because on the other side of me is some naked guy who's talking nonchalantly on his cell phone while he smells his own underpants before putting them back on. So right away I am on edge.

Then there's the bathroom, which is loaded with design flaws. Let me explain. From left to right we have handicapped toilet, regular toilet, urinal, urinal, urinal, urinal, as places you could potentially pee. You can immediately forget the two toilets, because that's where people go to poop, and that's just too creepy to even think about peeing in.

Then you have urinal 1. It might be OK to pee there, but only if there's nobody in the toilets, especially the regular toilet. You could accidentally touch feet with a pooping person, or somebody trying to pull a Larry Craig on you. That would be terrible.

Urinals 2 and 3 are automatically out because they are middle urinals and some crazy unaware naked person might come pee right next you and violate the Urinal Proximity Doctrine. The Urinal Proximity Doctrine states that you shall not pee in a urinal directly next to another urinal that already has a person peeing in it. Should you be forced to wait for an acceptable urinal, it is perfectly fine to wash your hands and look at yourself in the mirror. Just don't stand around doing nothing because then you'll look like a person who just likes to watch other people go to the bathroom, and that might get you beat up, or gang-raped or something.

Urinal 4 is definitely your best option. On one side is a wall, which is always good, and even most clueless, nondiscrete, fat, penisless naked people won't trap you between themselves and a wall. But some will, so always be aware, and plan your escape route accordingly.

Another problem with this bathroom, is that it seems like every time I walk in, the air freshener thing goes off. I wonder if it's set to automatically spray every 5 minutes or whatever, or if it's somehow programmed to spray whenever something foul smelling enters the bathroom. So then I'm concerned that I stink and don't know it, like an old person.

So out of 6 places to pee, there's really only 1 halfway decent choice there, and even then, you can't be sure you'll be completely safe. Compound that with the fact that you may or may not smell bad enough to make the air freshener take decisive action, along with the knowledge that there's a large cluster of naked men milling around 10 feet behind you waiting to scare you, and using the bathroom at the gym can prove to be as difficult as the actual workout.