I was driving the other day when I smelled what had to be the worst, most disgusting thing I've ever smelled. I have no idea what it was, but I think it may have been 400 rotting elephant corpses or something similar to that. Really, I almost barfed all over the inside of my car, which would have hurt the trade in value.
The actual sentence that came out of my mouth was, "Gaw, it smells like inside buns out there!" The guy that was riding with me said "What's inside buns?" I was incredulous. I figured everybody knew that the grossest thing in the world was inside buns. Apparently it's just my family that knows this.
When I was younger my sister and I used to play this game. One of us would say, "I 1 the (Insert disgusting thing)" then the next person would say, "I 2 the (disgusting thing)" up until somebody would have to say "I 8 the diseased cow butthole" and then we'd laugh because somebody just admitted to eating a diseased cow butthole, which was funny to us, and passed the time well while my dad was getting us lost on some gravel road 10 miles east of nowhere.
So one day we were playing that game, and the disgusting thing du jour happened to be "inside buns" which, as you might imagine was the inside of the butt, which for a 17 year old, and an 8 year old is pretty gross. Then we prefaced "inside buns" with Grandma, and low and behold somebody had to eat "Grandma's Inside Buns" which we immediately realized was by far the most disgusting thing on planet Earth.
It's funny how stuff like that becomes a lasting part of your lexicon. "Inside Buns" will now and forever represent anything gross or funny looking or weird. It's definition has expanded over the years.
(To my sister at Prom)
- "You look like inside buns."
(Commenting on a weird smelling bowl of soup)
- "This soup smells a little inside buns-y."
(Reviewing Coldplay)
-"They sound like inside buns."
(When my son fell out of the van onto his face)
-"Nice going, inside buns."
There was even an offshoot of "inside buns" that I used for a while but then I stopped. "Inside Lungs." As in, "Quit choking on that string bean. You're going to cough out your inside lungs!!"
So anyway, this ought to settle the centuries old debate regarding the grossest thing in the world. It is, was, and always will be inside buns.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Chicken causes Mass Chaos
This week I saw what may be one of my favorite news stories in a long time. My wife and I were watching TV the other day when we saw an add for Popeye's Chicken. This prompted the following exchange:
Her: Why are they doing an add for Popeye's Chicken when the only Popeye's Chicken is in the ghetto on Lake St?
Me (Slobbering, in a gross voice with a perverty look on my face): Cuz chicken iz Guuuuuuuuud!!!
Her: Ewww. Get away from me.
It took my a long time to get out of "Level 3 Sex offender for Chicken" mode, and back in to "regular old pervert" mode.
Anyhow, Popeye's was advertising a special for cheap fried chicken on Earth Day, which is a promotion that still makes no sense to me, but that's beside the point. The point is, I was not the only one to see that advertisement and get all hopped up for chicken. According to the reports, hundreds upon hundreds of people came down to Lake St to get discount chicken. Lines of cars were stretched around the corner and out into the street, all of them filled with people with Chicken Jones'es.
There was only one problem. The only Popeye's restaurant in the state of Minnesota was not participating in the chicken discount. As you might imagine, chicken fueled chaos ensued. There was fighting and cars honking and yelling and mass hysteria after a short period of time. It got so intense, that the police had to come in and help restore peace to the chicken melee.
This whole story makes me happy for a number of reasons.
1.) People are still willing to fight about chicken. I think this has to be categorized as a good thing. Put aside the gang stuff and drug stuff for a day and fight about chicken. If nothing else, it's a refreshing change of pace.
2.) Some dispatcher actually had to say something like "Unit 1269, repeat, Unit 1269, we have an unauthorized chicken riot going on over at the Popeye's. Please advise." Then some policeman arresting a guy for murdering his family heard it and said, "CHICKEN RIOT!! DEAR SWEET LORD!! You're off the hook this time fella, but don't let me catch you doing that shit again. Murder is NOT funny." Then he zoomed off.
3.) Some guy took a cab from Burnsville to get chicken. That probably costs at least 80 bucks, and he was complaining about the extra 5 dollars he had to pay since they weren't conducting the Earth Day promotion. Awesome.
Finally, something of note. This particular Popeye's used to be owned by Dr. John Najarian, renowned Heart Transplant Surgeon at the University of Minnesota. You think he was fattening up his lambs for slaughter, so to speak?
Her: Why are they doing an add for Popeye's Chicken when the only Popeye's Chicken is in the ghetto on Lake St?
Me (Slobbering, in a gross voice with a perverty look on my face): Cuz chicken iz Guuuuuuuuud!!!
Her: Ewww. Get away from me.
It took my a long time to get out of "Level 3 Sex offender for Chicken" mode, and back in to "regular old pervert" mode.
Anyhow, Popeye's was advertising a special for cheap fried chicken on Earth Day, which is a promotion that still makes no sense to me, but that's beside the point. The point is, I was not the only one to see that advertisement and get all hopped up for chicken. According to the reports, hundreds upon hundreds of people came down to Lake St to get discount chicken. Lines of cars were stretched around the corner and out into the street, all of them filled with people with Chicken Jones'es.
There was only one problem. The only Popeye's restaurant in the state of Minnesota was not participating in the chicken discount. As you might imagine, chicken fueled chaos ensued. There was fighting and cars honking and yelling and mass hysteria after a short period of time. It got so intense, that the police had to come in and help restore peace to the chicken melee.
This whole story makes me happy for a number of reasons.
1.) People are still willing to fight about chicken. I think this has to be categorized as a good thing. Put aside the gang stuff and drug stuff for a day and fight about chicken. If nothing else, it's a refreshing change of pace.
2.) Some dispatcher actually had to say something like "Unit 1269, repeat, Unit 1269, we have an unauthorized chicken riot going on over at the Popeye's. Please advise." Then some policeman arresting a guy for murdering his family heard it and said, "CHICKEN RIOT!! DEAR SWEET LORD!! You're off the hook this time fella, but don't let me catch you doing that shit again. Murder is NOT funny." Then he zoomed off.
3.) Some guy took a cab from Burnsville to get chicken. That probably costs at least 80 bucks, and he was complaining about the extra 5 dollars he had to pay since they weren't conducting the Earth Day promotion. Awesome.
Finally, something of note. This particular Popeye's used to be owned by Dr. John Najarian, renowned Heart Transplant Surgeon at the University of Minnesota. You think he was fattening up his lambs for slaughter, so to speak?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Brian gets his Holidays mixed up
You know what's really disappointing? All day today I kept thinking it was the glorious holiday of Arbor Day, when in actuality it's the stupid holiday of Earth Day. Isn't that messed up? It's like confusing Christmas with the day you humped a fat girl on a dare.
This morning I went out and was hanging out with all my tree friends that live in my backyard (even the punk ass Cottonwood tree that always inundates my yard with branches when a thunderstrom comes by). Yes, it was truly sublime. Trees are very giving. They should make a book about how giving trees are. You can pick their fruit, whack their bark off with a hatchet, throw rocks at them, pee on them, shake them so that your cat falls out, hide from the cops in them, uproot them and crush your enemies, harvest their sweet, sweet maple syrup, and always beat them in a race.
But instead it's Earth Day. Earth Day sucks for a few reasons.
1.) It reminds us how destructive we are as a people. The reason there even is an Earth Day is because of how poorly we've treated the Earth. Kind of the same reason there's a Black History Month. Do you ever hear about "Wealthy Oil Tycoon" month? Neither do I.
2.) The only people who get excited about Earth Day are losers. I have no specific facts to back up this substantiation, but I defy you to find somebody who is even remotely cool that's excited about Earth Day.
3.) It was invented by a guy named Gaylord. That one reason alone would make it a dubious holiday.
You know what would be a better holiday? Pickle Day. Pickles are pretty great. I think everybody could get into that.
This morning I went out and was hanging out with all my tree friends that live in my backyard (even the punk ass Cottonwood tree that always inundates my yard with branches when a thunderstrom comes by). Yes, it was truly sublime. Trees are very giving. They should make a book about how giving trees are. You can pick their fruit, whack their bark off with a hatchet, throw rocks at them, pee on them, shake them so that your cat falls out, hide from the cops in them, uproot them and crush your enemies, harvest their sweet, sweet maple syrup, and always beat them in a race.
But instead it's Earth Day. Earth Day sucks for a few reasons.
1.) It reminds us how destructive we are as a people. The reason there even is an Earth Day is because of how poorly we've treated the Earth. Kind of the same reason there's a Black History Month. Do you ever hear about "Wealthy Oil Tycoon" month? Neither do I.
2.) The only people who get excited about Earth Day are losers. I have no specific facts to back up this substantiation, but I defy you to find somebody who is even remotely cool that's excited about Earth Day.
3.) It was invented by a guy named Gaylord. That one reason alone would make it a dubious holiday.
You know what would be a better holiday? Pickle Day. Pickles are pretty great. I think everybody could get into that.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Fun games to play with kids
The other day I played a game with my kids that we'll call "Daddy Jumprope." It involved me laying on the floor and the kids jumping over me screaming nursery rhymes and other things that made no sense. It quickly evolved into a dangerous game of "Hop on Pop" where the kids tryed to land directly on my solar plexus with their sharpest body part (i.e. elbow, bony hip, exacto knife protruding from their jammies). The more bruises I accumulated, the more I began to think of better games to play with your children.
1.) Who can run the farthest- Find a street corner and............................................................................. let em go. Some kids will run for hundreds of miles before looking back to see who's watching. The one on the milk carton longest is the winner.
2.) Extreme Frogger- Remember how fun it was to play that game, avoiding the various cars and semitrucks that were driving by. Well here's the extreme version of it. Use real traffic. Little 13 year old Timmy and Tommy will have something to Twitter about after that. (Note: For realism purposes, its best to use a real highway, with real half-asleep truckers)
3.)The Amazing Race- Drop them off 20 miles from home and see who makes it back first. The winner get cupcakes, the loser gets brussels sprouts. (Note: I haven't even put this out and already Parents magazine is on my dick.)
4.) Swords can be anything- Have your child find ANYTHING that could potentially be used as a sword and fight other children with it. A fishing pole, a table leg, a giant icicle, your grandmother's wooden arm, a backscratcher, a giant concrete dildo he accidentally found, a divorce summons rolled up in a scroll, anything can be a sword. Then go duel, and have fun.
5.) Crazy people in the roost- Say, "Hey, crazy people have taken over our house!!!!!" Then see what they do. This should give an accurate description of how things run at your house. IF they shrug their shoulders you are in trouble. If they methodically work towards getting your house back to normal, you're OK. If not, run to the nearest homeless shelter, and catch a good bed, because those are tough to come by.
There, go to work. Otherwise, look at this at a worst case scenario handbook.
1.) Who can run the farthest- Find a street corner and............................................................................. let em go. Some kids will run for hundreds of miles before looking back to see who's watching. The one on the milk carton longest is the winner.
2.) Extreme Frogger- Remember how fun it was to play that game, avoiding the various cars and semitrucks that were driving by. Well here's the extreme version of it. Use real traffic. Little 13 year old Timmy and Tommy will have something to Twitter about after that. (Note: For realism purposes, its best to use a real highway, with real half-asleep truckers)
3.)The Amazing Race- Drop them off 20 miles from home and see who makes it back first. The winner get cupcakes, the loser gets brussels sprouts. (Note: I haven't even put this out and already Parents magazine is on my dick.)
4.) Swords can be anything- Have your child find ANYTHING that could potentially be used as a sword and fight other children with it. A fishing pole, a table leg, a giant icicle, your grandmother's wooden arm, a backscratcher, a giant concrete dildo he accidentally found, a divorce summons rolled up in a scroll, anything can be a sword. Then go duel, and have fun.
5.) Crazy people in the roost- Say, "Hey, crazy people have taken over our house!!!!!" Then see what they do. This should give an accurate description of how things run at your house. IF they shrug their shoulders you are in trouble. If they methodically work towards getting your house back to normal, you're OK. If not, run to the nearest homeless shelter, and catch a good bed, because those are tough to come by.
There, go to work. Otherwise, look at this at a worst case scenario handbook.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Brian's Bucket List
Recently I met a 35 year old woman who had a "bucket list" that she would show to anybody unfortunate enough to look at it. I didn't quite understand why someone that young was already pondering death, but that's her prerogative I suppose. It was filled with lots of boring things like "Go to Hawaii" and "Bungee Jump". I felt sad for how dumb her list was. So I made a great list, and here it is.
1.) Hunt a person for sport.
2.) Throw stones at an old lady
3.) Do a drive-by shooting with an arrow.
4.) Bungee hump. (Note: I'm not sure if this is possible)
5.) Travel through time (Less sure about this one)
6.) Eat some poison.
7.) Play backgammon with a brain-damaged person.
8.) Ride a tiger.
9.) Meet a giant fish.
10.) Get arrested for exposing myself to a blind person.
11.) Eat an entire train.
12.) Cross breed a dog and a cat.
13.) Play the cello naked
14.) Fall off the Empire State Building and live
15.) Scream at a mime
16.) Smoke crack at a nursing home
17.) Win a prestigious daytime award.
18.) Get a boner and then walk around scaring people with it.
19.) Set Dog the Bounty Hunter on fire.
20.) Have a hornet for a pet.
21.) Adopt an African village and then give it back up for adoption
22.) Open a mill of some sort
23.) Make something explode just by thinking about it
24.) Flap my arms really, really hard and fly a little.
25.) Make a baby with Bristol Palin
26.) Sexually assault an entire community
27.) Make origami that comes to life
28.) Rid the world of cyborgs
29.) Throw things at the moon
30.) Force someone to get married to a sheep
31.) Sell a meth lab on Ebay.
32.) Call someone a "papoose"
33.) Keep peeing in a swimming pool until it's filled up
34.) Bury a worm alive.
35.) Get my weiner stuck in the couch.
That's about all I could come up with so far. It's a pretty cool list I think.
1.) Hunt a person for sport.
2.) Throw stones at an old lady
3.) Do a drive-by shooting with an arrow.
4.) Bungee hump. (Note: I'm not sure if this is possible)
5.) Travel through time (Less sure about this one)
6.) Eat some poison.
7.) Play backgammon with a brain-damaged person.
8.) Ride a tiger.
9.) Meet a giant fish.
10.) Get arrested for exposing myself to a blind person.
11.) Eat an entire train.
12.) Cross breed a dog and a cat.
13.) Play the cello naked
14.) Fall off the Empire State Building and live
15.) Scream at a mime
16.) Smoke crack at a nursing home
17.) Win a prestigious daytime award.
18.) Get a boner and then walk around scaring people with it.
19.) Set Dog the Bounty Hunter on fire.
20.) Have a hornet for a pet.
21.) Adopt an African village and then give it back up for adoption
22.) Open a mill of some sort
23.) Make something explode just by thinking about it
24.) Flap my arms really, really hard and fly a little.
25.) Make a baby with Bristol Palin
26.) Sexually assault an entire community
27.) Make origami that comes to life
28.) Rid the world of cyborgs
29.) Throw things at the moon
30.) Force someone to get married to a sheep
31.) Sell a meth lab on Ebay.
32.) Call someone a "papoose"
33.) Keep peeing in a swimming pool until it's filled up
34.) Bury a worm alive.
35.) Get my weiner stuck in the couch.
That's about all I could come up with so far. It's a pretty cool list I think.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Crazy People Walk Amongst Us.
I love crazy people. Love them to death. I wish the world was filled with crazy people and everybody just walked around acting crazy all the time. I would just kick back and watch them and smirk. That would be my job. I would get a couch, and a porch, and a 40, and sit on the couch on the porch and watch crazy people interact amongst themselves.
I especially love crazy people who look really normal. Isn't that great?? It's like a surprise birthday party with hookers and old friends and nachos. The reason I bring this up is that today I found a normal looking crazy person in my midst. He's this guy from the gym I mentioned a while ago. I call him GI Joe.
GI Joe and I have always had a good sort of acquaintanceship going. I say "Hey" to him and he says " Whattup" to me. We're pretty tight like that. So this morning I got to the gym at the same time as GI Joe, and GI Joe is driving what else? That's right, a soon-to-be-obsolete Hummer. So I see him in the parking lot and he sees me. I say:
Me: I should have known you'd drive one of those. Ha.
GI Joe (Nervously): Why? What do you mean?
Me: You know, a Hummer. You wear army shirts. You know?
GI Joe (Still Nervous): Oh, I thought it was because you knew about my missions from above.
Me: Um....
GI Joe: Yeah, you don't know about those right? Cuz nobody does!!
Me: Um...
So then I quickly walked inside and I realized that a crazy person with a crewcut and an army shirt who drives a Hummer was walking behind me.
Like 10 minutes later I see him in the gym and get a "Whattup?" from him, like the whole crazy conversation from 10 minutes ago had never happened. Did I mention that I love crazy people?
Shine on you raving lunatics, shine on!
I especially love crazy people who look really normal. Isn't that great?? It's like a surprise birthday party with hookers and old friends and nachos. The reason I bring this up is that today I found a normal looking crazy person in my midst. He's this guy from the gym I mentioned a while ago. I call him GI Joe.
GI Joe and I have always had a good sort of acquaintanceship going. I say "Hey" to him and he says " Whattup" to me. We're pretty tight like that. So this morning I got to the gym at the same time as GI Joe, and GI Joe is driving what else? That's right, a soon-to-be-obsolete Hummer. So I see him in the parking lot and he sees me. I say:
Me: I should have known you'd drive one of those. Ha.
GI Joe (Nervously): Why? What do you mean?
Me: You know, a Hummer. You wear army shirts. You know?
GI Joe (Still Nervous): Oh, I thought it was because you knew about my missions from above.
Me: Um....
GI Joe: Yeah, you don't know about those right? Cuz nobody does!!
Me: Um...
So then I quickly walked inside and I realized that a crazy person with a crewcut and an army shirt who drives a Hummer was walking behind me.
Like 10 minutes later I see him in the gym and get a "Whattup?" from him, like the whole crazy conversation from 10 minutes ago had never happened. Did I mention that I love crazy people?
Shine on you raving lunatics, shine on!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
