You know what's really disappointing? All day today I kept thinking it was the glorious holiday of Arbor Day, when in actuality it's the stupid holiday of Earth Day. Isn't that messed up? It's like confusing Christmas with the day you humped a fat girl on a dare.
This morning I went out and was hanging out with all my tree friends that live in my backyard (even the punk ass Cottonwood tree that always inundates my yard with branches when a thunderstrom comes by). Yes, it was truly sublime. Trees are very giving. They should make a book about how giving trees are. You can pick their fruit, whack their bark off with a hatchet, throw rocks at them, pee on them, shake them so that your cat falls out, hide from the cops in them, uproot them and crush your enemies, harvest their sweet, sweet maple syrup, and always beat them in a race.
But instead it's Earth Day. Earth Day sucks for a few reasons.
1.) It reminds us how destructive we are as a people. The reason there even is an Earth Day is because of how poorly we've treated the Earth. Kind of the same reason there's a Black History Month. Do you ever hear about "Wealthy Oil Tycoon" month? Neither do I.
2.) The only people who get excited about Earth Day are losers. I have no specific facts to back up this substantiation, but I defy you to find somebody who is even remotely cool that's excited about Earth Day.
3.) It was invented by a guy named Gaylord. That one reason alone would make it a dubious holiday.
You know what would be a better holiday? Pickle Day. Pickles are pretty great. I think everybody could get into that.
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