Jasper goes to the Doctor

I took my dog to the vet the other day. As usual, this turned out to be a weird experience. In case you didn't know, dogs don't like going to the doctor. I felt kind of bad about this, Jasper thought we were going someplace fun, so he was really happy to get into the car with me. I tried to tell him over and over, "We're going to the vet, the VET, the VET dummy!!" but he was too busy sticking his snout out the window and panting really hard for no good reason.

This all changed the instant we pulled into the vet parking lot. Some little dog radar went off in his head and his mood switched from "euphoric to the point of insanity" to "What the crap are you doing to me dad? I thought we were friends?" in like .2 seconds. His tail went between his legs and I had to yank him out of the car. He smelled funny.

When we actually got inside the office he started shaking like he had Parkinson's. He tried to crawl in my lap and I noticed that his paws smelled a lot like crackers. Isn't that something? Smell your dogs paws sometime. Crackers. Then he peed on a potted plant. I said nothing because I didn't want to clean up urine.

Finally we got called in to see the doctor. By this time Jasper was so scared he wouldn't even eat, which is one of the things he's good at. He just layed on the floor and whimpered. After some serious petting and cajoling, we got him upright because the vet tech had decided she wanted to take his rectal temperature. Since I've never seen his rectum because of all the fur, I was pretty sure this would be difficult. I had no idea how right I was. It took a good 2 minutes of this girl randomly jamming a butt thermometer into his chasm of butt fur before she got it. (Actually, I have no idea if she got it, she might just have given up and guessed a temp.)

Vet Tech (Jabbing blindly): He sure has a lot of fur. (Jab, jab)
Me: Isn't there a more scientific method than that?

Then the actual veteranarian came in and gave me the bad news. Jasper is fat! I tried to cover for him.

Me: He's getting a little old. Maybe it's seasonal. It's been cold.
Vet: You think it's OK to be fat in the winter?
Me: Um.....

Then she did a battery of tests on him. One involved listening to his heartbeat. Only problem was that he was breathing so loudly, she couldn't hear anything. It was pretty loud.

Vet: Can you, uh, shut his nose so I can hear his heart? He's panting too loud.
Me: Shut his nose? Um, what good will that do?
Vet: Then I can hear the heartbeat.
Me: Uh OK.

She wanted me to clamp his mouth shut, but instead I tried to plug his nostrils on his tiny nose on the front of his big extendo bird beak mouth. Obviously this did no good.

Me: I can't shut his nose, it's too gross and slimy.
Vet: Huh. His whole mouth, not just his nose. I need to hear his heart.
Me (Feeling dumb): You said his nose.

We were fighting. Anyway, Jasper needs to lose 5 pounds. I'm not sure how that's going to happen since he eats garbage all day when I go to work. I've taken to calling him Fatty Arbuckle when he walks by in the hopes of shaming him into losing the weight, but I also tell him not to eat garbage when I'm at work. Maybe I need a better plan.