Brian is scared of crack.

I have a confession to make. I'm really scared of illegal drugs. I'm not just afraid of taking them and then freaking out and running naked through a carpet store, although that would probably be less fun and more consequential than it sounds. I'm even afraid of seeing drugs just laying around.

I've seen pot lots of times so that's not so scary anymore although it still makes me pause a little in apprehension. It reminds me a lot of this kid who was a scary bully back in Elementary School, but then I grew up and by 10th grade I had like 6 inches and 50 lbs on him. Even though he was now this little weinery guy, and I could have easily whooped his butt, there was a little part of me that was still cautious around him. He's a lot like pot.

But one time I was at a party and I saw some crack. It was just a little pile of crack laying on this table. There were some people I knew at the table, and some I didn't know, and presumably, they were going to smoke up that crack. I hadn't figured out it was crack yet, so I didn't know to be afraid.

Me: What that stuff on the table? Peanuts?
Crack Dude: Dude, it's crack!
Me: Oh.
Me (thinking to myself): Ohmigod it's crack! Let's get the hell out of here!! AAAAHHHHH!

It was pretty scary. I was kind of worried that the crack could like, jump up and get me or something. I suppose that's a somewhat irrational fear, but just to be on the safe side I quickly went to a non-crack part of the party.

Then one time I went into a house that had supposedly at one time contained a meth lab. Now I've read stories that say if there's a meth lab in your house that the meth sits in your walls for 500 years before it comes out. So that didn't make me very happy. I was worried that each breath I took, I was inhaling a little second hand meth. I was trying to breathe into my sweatshirt but if meth sticks to a house for 500 years it can probably penetrate a sweatshirt. So I got out of that house fast.

Yeah, I guess you could say I'm really scared of drugs. So, when you invite me over, please make sure to put your crack, heroin, meth, pot, sherm, quaaludes, coke, silver paint, peyote, opium poppies and toads that you lick away so that I don't see them and get frightened. Thanks.