A plea to Child Molesters

I've been worrying a lot about child molesters lately. I'm not certain why, but it's even gotten to the point where I've not only pictured a scenario where one of my kids gets taken by a child molester, but also how I would get them back, and then how I would torture the child molester after I got them back.

"Let's see, first I'd crush his balls with a tack hammer, then I'd take a big railroad spike and nail his scrotum to a chair or something, then I'd rip his entire package off using a complicated system of levers and pulleys." Usually it's about that time that I realize that I should probably concentrate on driving.

The argument I've heard is that there are 10 times more child molesters out there than there was 20 years ago because child pornography is 10 times more accessible via the internet. Apparently the world is filled with wannabe perverts who just hadn't found the proper inspiration point yet. I wonder if that's true, or if really there is the same amount of child molesters as always, we're just 10 times more aware of them because of things like the internet, level 3 sex offender registry, and To Catch a Predator.

I hope it's the latter of the two scenarios because the whole thing is just horribly creepy. I understand that some people are unfortunate enough to have kids as their main sexual target. You like who you like, I don't believe it's a matter of choice. But why on earth would anybody ever go through with it? The risk/reward equation is dramatically skewered to the risk side. You win, you get to molest a kid. You lose, you go to jail for a long time, you get beat up and raped in jail because even the deviants of society hate you, and when you get out everybody knows where you live and what you've done forever and people probably hate you more than in prison.Not to mention you've either ruined a family's life or seriously altered its intended course. For ever. I don't get it. You have a really simple option that means that you get to keep your freedom, you'll never get angrily gang-humped, and you can live your life without the fear that somebody's going to burn your house down with you in it in the middle of the night.

This option involves lotion, tissues, and your brain. It takes about 2 minutes and then you can go on to whatever other activities you have planned for the day. It's a much better option, because believe you me, I will come find you and pull your junk off with a sophisticated system of levers and pulleys, and you don't want that. See, you listen to me and that douchebag Chris Hansen has to get a real job. Solving problems, that's what I do.