The Most Annoying Thing

Here's something that I really might hate more than anything in the world. More than Cancer, War, Heart Attacks, Osama Bin Laden, Dog the Bounty Hunter, The Loch Ness Monster, Hornets, and expired food combined. This something is a horrible invention called Heelys. Heelys, for those who don't know, are shoes that little kids wear with wheels in the back of them so they can "skate" around SuperTarget and the mall and irritate the shit out of me. I absolutely detest them. It's always some unfortunate looking little boy wearing them too. You know, some obnoxious, overweight 6 year old, with a Lightning McQueen hoodie, who's eyes aren't quite in the right spot, or who has a pig nose so you can see up to his brain even when he's staring at the ground, and he's shreiking for no good reason as he flies by me, and his mom is 30 feet behind both of us and she has a shopping cart filled with Coke and Snickers bars, and she's yelling at him to stop but she can't keep up because her ass is the size of a Honda Element so she just keeps yelling but he can't stop, won't stop, because he's all hopped up on Coke and Snickers bars.

I guess my beef is not even with Heelys per se, although I still think they're on par with shoes that light up when you take a step, like every kid is Michael Jackson in a "Billie Jean" video. It probably is pretty fun if you're outside. It's the stupid parents who don't remind their children explicitly, "Don't skate around at SuperTarget. It's crowded in there and you're bound to run into somebody, or at the very least annoy that guy with the big head up there. If you do skate around, I'm taking your shoes and you can't have gummy ANYTHING's for a week." I've found that last sentence to be a particularly effective deterrent for my children.

Here's something I don't really like to admit. When I see that kid zoom by me, I say a little prayer that he will smash into something. Not anything heavy, mind you. I don't want him to skate into the furniture section and have a china hutch fall on him. Just something little that will embarrass his mother, like a big bin of marbles with the cover ajar, or an old lady examining peaches. Break an octogenarian's hip, and I think even the laziest mother would have to agree to some consequences.

Just like Ray Finkle wanted "Laces out", I think the rule of thumb at the store should be "Wheels in."