My current concerns

Here are my top five concerns of the week so far:
1.) My father in law recently fixed our bathroom fan. You know, its the helpful little gizmo that sucks away your poop smell and clears off your mirror after you shower so you can more easily shave or pop your whiteheads. But the grate that fits over it wouldn’t go back on so now there’s a gaping hole in the bathroom ceiling. So when you turn on the fan it sucks away your poop smell, but crud also shoots out of the hole. So far it’s only been bits of old insulation, but I’m concerned that maybe there’s a few dead bats or rats or cats up there and the last thing I need is for old, decomposed corpses to come flying out at me when I’m wizzing, or popping my whiteheads.
2.) We like to go hiking with the kids whenever it’s nice enough and whenever we wind up at a new park to hike I’m always concerned that it’s going to be one of those "gay sex" parks that they advertise on Craigslist. It happened at a park right by my house last summer, the cops set up a sting and busted a bunch of dudes engaging in manly love right there in the park, so I know my concerns are not unfounded. I have nothing against gay sex per se, but when you’re walking along, enjoying nature with your kids, I would imagine it might be somewhat unsettling to see. And how on earth to explain:
Kid: Daddy, what are those two boys doing?
Me: NOTHING!! Look at the ground. Look at those sticks. Look at the tree.
3.) My dog has been having some serious sleep-barking episodes lately. Usually it’s pretty cute. He makes little whimpers, and moves his feet around like he’s barking and chasing something. Lately it’s been full out barks and he’s growling and stuff. I don’t know if this is a good dream or a bad dream, but I’m concerned that he’s going to bite my neck off while I’m asleep. Think of how long it can take to roust some people after they’ve been dreaming, and then think of how much stupider dogs are. It could take him an hour to actually wake up and by then he’s bitten your neck off and I’m dead at the hands of an Aussie Shepherd which would make for a very embarrassing obituary which brings me to 4.
4.) I’m concerned that the ASPCA has gotten us worried about the wrong stuff when it comes to this dog fighting business. I read a story about a 70 year old woman who was bitten by a pit bull after she tried to rescue her dead pomeranian from it’s mouth. That’s the real problem. This whole thing about how awful dog fighting is, and how Mike Vick is akin to Ted Bundy is just a little bit overstated. People get all emotional about dog fighting because they imagine old Max, their lovable golden retriever, having to fight to the death, and since Max is a member of the family, they get pissed at Mike Vick. These dogs aren’t the same and I don’t care what anybody says. I had to beat the shit out of a pit bull 2 years ago to get him to stop eating my dog and snarling at my 1 year old daughter and infant son who were strapped in a stroller. If it would have just been my wife, she would have been screwed. I don’t even want to think what might have happened. That’s the real issue. You have these really strong, ultra aggressive dogs out there in everybody’s neighborhood and they aren’t busy fighting 24 hours a day. Most of the time they’re chained to a tree, or a garage, and they get loose all the time and run through fences to go look for things to bite. That’s why I think the ASPCA is clouding the real issue. Dog fighting is probably really nasty, but frankly, I don’t care if a million dogs die. I don’t care if another dog kills them, or if they’re hung, or drowned, or electrocuted. I care that they are running amok through my neighborhood and they might just attack my family.
OK that was too serious for me.