Buying condoms

So I’m at the store not so long ago, in the checkout line, when I notice that the kid behind me has a little basket filled with about 500 condoms. I am amazed. I look at him incredulously and say "Holy Christ, what are you going to do, hump the entire high school??" He is a little perplexed and explains to me that he is a counselor at a planned parenthood center in South Minneapolis and that these will be passed out in an attempt to generate a message of safe sex throughout the younger community. I am slightly embarrassed, but, in my defense, he looks younger than me, so he looks like a high school kid. End of story.
It got me thinking how thankful I am to not have to buy condoms anymore. It was always the most awkward situation for me, because the checkout ladies were always about 65 and they always gave looked like they wanted to slap me for buying them. I had two methods to counter the angry old ladies.
1.) Buy a whole bunch of other stuff too as an act of subterfuge in an attempt to cover my tracks. A candy bar, a Sports Illustrated, soap, hair spray, a wiffle bat, a Jet Magazine, butter, salsa from the clearance section, a hard plastic dinosaur, a harmonica, candy necklaces, cat milk, Jolt Cola, a bird whistle, and condoms. Then heave it all up on the counter and act natural. This was sometimes effective but very expensive. This led me to option 2.....
2.) Steal condoms. This was very risky because if you get caught stealing condoms you’re basically a sex offender for life. I think you have to walk around and introduce yourself to the neighborhood when you move in like The Jesus in Big Lebowski.
I chose option 3. Have kids.