The Moron in Me

I am a moron. I've come to realize that and, over the years, I've come to accept and even embrace it because although being a moron is not a great thing, I'm a moron in different ways than most people are morons. I'm an original moron, an OM. Snoop Dogg would be jealous...
For instance, I have ruined two different electronic possessions of mine by accidentally dropping them into a glass of water. Ruining one thing by dropping it in a glass of water can maybe be played off as bad luck. Ruining two things = moron. About two years ago I dropped a remote in a glass of water. I didn't notice for about an hour because I was watching Look Who's Talking Too. Bruce Willis as a talking baby?? You can't make that stuff up. Then last saturday I dropped my cell phone into a glass of water. Now it only sort of works. I can't dial a 9 and pushing the 4 makes an entire phone number appear. The volume is stuck at the lowest setting and periodically the phone makes the "you have a message" noise at me for no comprehensible reason. It's like my phone has Down Syndrome. I expect it to shout "FRANKS AND BEANS" at me soon. So I'm going to take it to the phone store and pretend I have no idea how it contracted Down Syndrome
Store Employee: What's wrong with your phone?
Brian: I dunno. Extra chromosome?
This probably will not work. Being a moron is hard.