Teaching Kids about sex

Now that I have children, I am beginning to think to myself, "Uh Oh, someday they will want to know about the birds and the bees. But more importantly, they are going to want to know about vaginas and penises and buttholes and phillipine tubes and ovaries and golden showers and dirty sanchezes and Johnny Holmes, and all sorts of stuff like that. I am DEFINITELY NOT going to be their resource EVER EVER EVER. If they ever ask a sex question I will refer them directly to a nun or somebody from the middle east who's had their junk sewn shut as a homage to tradition. Actually, I'm not that worried about that, I figure they'll just find out from movies and the exceptionally sex knowledgable kid from the bus. His name will probably be CJ and he will probably be mostly wrong, but I'd rather my kids think babies come from a hole in your back, or from the downstairs coat closet than know the truth. In my case, his name was actually CJ and he knew everything about naked ladies and, strangely, about slaughtering chickens. That's why some days we'd say "CJ, talk about chickens" and other days "Talk about Naked Ladies." Either was very entertaining, but not necessarily accurate. I thought a woman's privates were called a "BAGINA" until I was 13. I thought you could get somebody pregnant just by bouncing out at them when they weren't paying attention. Oh well, at least I didn't have to hear anything from my parents. I still am a big fan of bagina.