Cats are Jerks

My grandmother had about 400 cats in her lifetime. She made them "earn their names" and after they'd shown whatever distinguishing characteristic to make them a "puffball" versus a "brownie" she proceeded to treat them like equals. Equals, in this case, means she'd let them play with and subsequently eat a decomposing mouse and then 5 minutes later sit right near her face and pick food out of her mouth.
Since then I have come to the realization that not only are cats much dumber than we give them credit for, but they are also jerks. They don't really care about people, and all this sophistication that people think they exude is really just apathy towards whether you live or die. Cats are jerks
Brian: I might die.
Cat: Ok See ya then
Brian: Yeah, what would you do for food?
Cat: Somebody'd feed me
Brian: You're a jerk!!
Cat purrs while licking butter off butter dish, rendering butter useless
So since we've established that cats are good for nothing moochers that would be plotting and scheming ways to kill you and steal your salmon filets if they weren't too dumb, here's a neat little trick you can use to let them know who's in charge.
Get a headband, or a tiara, or a snap bracelet (although if you still have a snap bracelet, chances are you live in a garbage house). Stick it on a cat's back. That's it. I don't quite understand the mechanism, but it makes it so a cat can't walk. He just rolls over and gives up. Then you can look him right in the eye and tell him that you're in charge. Hopefully, this will make the cat think twice before scratching up the couch, eating the stuffing that falls out, and then ralphing it up on your bed. Hopefully he'll pause for a moment of reflection before he pees upwards on your wall for no good reason. Who knows? If all else fails, just train your dog to eat him.