The Best Mexico Information Guide Ever.

I just returned from Mexico and I've developed a list of very poorly thought out generalizations about Mexican culture and Mexico in general. So if you've never been to Mexico, you should use this list as kind of a guidebook to help you through your travels.

1.) Mexico serves your kids food at the same time as the appetizers- This is without a doubt the dumbest fuckin' idea in the history of people or food. Here's a little test of your knowledge about kids at restaurants.
-At a restaurant your child will most definitely:
a. Eat all his/her food and then sit and have pleasant conversation with the rest of the table until all are finished
b. Politely color and enjoy the scenery
c. Hide under the table, throw napkins, scream intermittently, horde sugar packets like they had crack in them, and spill at least 4 things until you want to hurl them off the veranda.

If you answered "C" you have kids. If you answered A or B, your kids are actually cyborgs and you should run away fast. So Mexico compounds this little problem by serving the kids 20 minutes before they serve the adults. I am confounded by this logic. I want to eat my Dog Burrito in peace.

2.) Mexicans want to sell you junk you could find at Goodwill- The beach is littered with tiny little people selling t-shirts with beer logos on them, costume jewelry, toys that break if you touch them, serapes, partially used sunscreen, and the kicker; shrimp on a stick. Why on earth would you buy any of this, but especially food?? Yeah, let's buy seafood that's been out in the sun all day and eat it. I'd rather eat turds. Then there are some people who walk around selling nothing. A guy walked by with a little ventriloquist's dummy on his shoulder that had cymbals for a mouth which clanged every 4 seconds or so and he proceeded to sing "La Bamba" in it's entirety (including some verse that I never heard come out of Richie Valens' mouth) and then he wanted money. Again, I'd rather eat turds.

3.) I can't speak Spanish for shit- Here is a conversation I had with a person I wanted towels from:

Person: BLBLBKLNJAJDJADBNJA <- (That's Spanish that I don't understand)
Me: Um... Si?
Person: WFHUJWDBUWDNWIDNW
Me: Uhhhhh... Dos.
Person (Emphatically): BABBDADBNJUNDQUIDNQUIDN!!!!!
Me (Panicking): Uh....I don't know!!?.... Mi Vida Loca??
Person: Dude, just say towels already....

4.) Mexican waterslides are scary- I went down this waterslide that was completely dark and enclosed like a toilet paper roll. It was really fast and it went on forever. I tried to slow myself down by grabbing the top of the waterslide but all I got for my troubles was a nasty waterslide burn on my fingers (it stings). In the process of trying to slow down and burning myself I accidentally flipped over so I was now flying ass first and on my face. Not good. My taint hit the pool at like Mach 4 and I didn't even know to brace for it. Also, not good.

5.) Mexican pirate ships are poorly constructed- We went on this pirate ship for a day of raping and pillaging people, and kayaking. Even though the seas were very calm the pirate ship still made cracking sounds all the time and it bounced around like a fat girl on an exercise ball. People were getting sick and even the pirates were falling over. But we did get to rape and pillage, which is legal in Mexico.

6.)If you go into the jungle, there are machetes laying everywhere- I can say this because I went into the jungle and I found a machete laying there. Then I killed a bunch of stuff with it, mostly plants. I'm glad there were no people around though. Machetes make you want to kill things.

7.) There are approximately zero Mexican people taller than me- I felt like Manute Bol.

8.) Mexican candy tastes like sweaty throw up- It is made from tamarinds (whatever they are) and is billed as tasting "sweet and spicy." What it actually tasted like was a biopsy of my armpit skin if I had puked all over it and then left it in a dead man's butt for a week. It was worse than pickled okra.

Anyhow, that's the list. Now go to Mexico.