Brian Finds a Dollar

I love finding change on the ground. It makes me feel like I'm getting away with a really small scale robbery of some sort. I always hope that the change I've found belonged to some rich guy and now because I have his change he can't buy gum at the store or something. The bigger the amount of money I find, the happier I am. One time I found a 5 dollar bill in the grass. I was as giddy as a pedophile at a Hannah Montana concert for the whole day.

Me: YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!
Some Guy: It's only 5 bucks
Me: Yeah, I suppose......YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!

So one day I was walking downtown and I saw a Sacagawea dollar laying on the sidewalk. I immediately started to salivate, get a boner, and bounce around with excitement simultaneously. The reasons for this are many.

1.) It was a dollar
2.) It was gold colored which made me think for a split second that maybe a pirate had been walking around downtown and dropped a gold doubloon on the sidewalk. Since I've watched The Goonies many times, I knew that if I possessed a doubloon, I'd never have to sell my house if some jerks wanted to turn it into a golf course, which is nice.
3.) Sacagawea is by far the hottest girl to ever be put on a coin. (All apologies to Susan B. Anthony and her family, but she just never ignited my inner flame the way Sacagawea did. I'm sure she was a really nice person, but Sacagawea had that ethnic thing going for her. Didn't you want to lay your head in her lap and have her feed you maize? I know I did.)

Anyway, after bouncing around and slobbering all over for a while, I bent down to pick up my dollar, and to my shock and horror, I could not move it. Some evil, diabolical person had glued my Sacagawea dollar to the sidewalk. I looked around to see if I could see this person hiding behind a street lamp or a mailbox snickering at me so that I could go over there a stab him in the eye with my pen, but I could see nobody suspicious. So then I went back over to the dollar and started kicking at it to try to dislodge but this didn't work either. Then I kneeled down and started jabbing at it with my keys. People were staring at me as they walked by, but fuck 'em, eyes on the prize, always eyes on the prize. Finally after 10 minutes I gave up and went to work. I was angry all day. I want my Sacagawea dollar.

The next morning I brought a large flathead screwdriver with me and when I got to the Sacagawea dollar, I really went to work on it. This is the part of the story where people begin looking at me funny, as if to say, "I can't believe this idiot was chopping away at the sidewalk for a dollar." One time someone offered me a dollar after I told the story. It was a less than altruistic gesture. I wanted to gouge him with my screwdriver, but it was like 6 months after the fact, and the screwdriver was at home again. So, indeed, I was whacking away at the sidewalk, and eventually the dollar came loose and I won. It had a chunk of sidewalk still attached to it, but it was mine.

So let this be a lesson to all of you: If you want something bad enough, don't be afraid to grab a screwdriver and stab the shit out of it to get it. Here ends the lesson...