Brian Takes a Stand.

Most of the time I like to think I'm pretty passive about things that bug me. If you read this consistantly, you know there are quite a few things that bother me, but for the most part, I try to be understanding. I'm far from perfect, so I try not to let things like common decency, and acting like a human being from this planet cloud my vision. I just assume that most people are mindlessly shuffling around in their own lives and forget about things, like other people, and I'm OK with that.

Occasionally though, I get very irritated at something. Today it was a really fat, ugly woman. She incurred a little wrath from me, and I feel a little bit better. I think I balanced out the world a little. It started when I pulled into the gas station, to get some Dill Pickle sunflower seeds and a Faygo. I got around the gas pumps, so I was in between the store and the pumps, when I was suddenly cut off from the parking spaces by this woman who had decided that it was a good idea to park on a yellow curb right next to the store, even though there was a real parking space 10 feet in front of her.

I am stuck now. I am puzzling over what to do, when she lumbers out. She is morbidly obese, with greasy slicked back hair, a t-shirt that looks as though she cut head and arm holes in a parachute, and, of course, floral print pants where the flowers are stretched and faded because she has an ass the size of a vending machine. She has a permanent sneer on her face, although it may just be that the weight of her cheeks pulling the corners of her mouth down. I am aggravated. It occurs to me that had this been an attractive woman I may not have said anything. I feel conflicted about this realization. I roll down my passenger window and speak anyhow.

Me: Hey, you can't park there. How am I supposed to get through?
Her: I don't care.

Now I am mad. I would have harpooned her on the spot. Thankfully, my harpoon is at home, stored safely under the children's bed. I have to back up and drive around to get to a parking spot. I march into the store looking for revenge. I see her. She is looking at pre-made salads. I think she is trying to confuse me. I am not fooled. I walk up to her. I try to be composed.

Me: You know, it's fairly rude to park illegally and create a bottleneck for others. There was a spot like 10 feet in front of you.
Her: I'll only be a minute.
Me: I think you're missing the point here. You've already caused an inconvenience for me.
Her: I don't care. Go away.

I am about to say many mean things when something weird happens. She begins coughing, and coughing, and coughing....furiously. Then she hocks up a big piece of inside lung, pulls out a purple napkin from her pocket, spits the inside lung into her purple napkin, and puts the purple napkin back in her pocket. The whole ordeal takes about 30 seconds. I realize I am staring at her with no expression whatsoever. She looks at me like "What? So, I got a big chunk of inside lung in my pocket, what's the big deal?"

I get my food and leave. I think it's an appropriate metaphor. Sometimes it's best to just get your food and leave.