Brian and All his Visitors

I must live in a huckster's paradise for a neighborhood, because there are always people walking around door to door trying to get me to do something. Usually they fall into one of 4 categories:

1.) People trying to get me to worship their god.

Usually the exchange goes something like this.

(When Mormons come)
Mormon: Hello Sir, how are you today?
Me: AAAAAGH!! Mormons! (Slams door and hides in basement for half hour)

(When Jehovah's Witnesses come)
Jehovah's Witness: Hello sir, would you like a copy of the Watchtower?
Me: AAAAAGH!! Jehovah's Witnesses! (Slams door and hides in basement for entire hour)

(When I am fooled)
Person: Hi Sir. Say, that's a nice truck you've got.
Me (Suspiciously): Yeah.....thanks. (Slowly reaches for baseball bat to crush skull of certain home invader)
Person: You look like you have most everything you could want.
Me (Thinking): Is this guy coming on to me?
Me: Well, I'd like a pool table...
Person: But do you really have everything?
Me: No, I want a pool table, remember?
Person: Do you have Jesus Christ in your heart?
Me: Yes! (Always answer "yes" to this question, even if you worship the devil)
Person: God bless you. By the way, I'm a 7th day adventist. I go to church on saturdays. Neat huh?
Me: I still want a pool table.

2.) People selling windows:

First off, windows are really expensive, like 25 thousand dollars expensive. Do door to door salesman think people are just going to give that up on a whim? This is Burnsville, not Neverland. Plus they use really faulty logic that I feel the need to correct them on.

Sales guy: So, with the Energy Tax credit, and the money you'll save on your heating bills, they practically pay for themselves.
Me: Yes, if I live here for the next hundred years.
Sales Guy: No, that's not right.
Me: Yes, if I pay $25,000 for windows, take off the $1500 tax credit, and apply the savings I'll get on my monthly energy bill, and then take the future value of money that I would have received had I merely invested this money, it will take me a good 114 years for these windows to pay for themselves.
Sales Guy: I said "practically" pay for themselves. Pay attention. Now buy the windows. I need my commission check to buy meth.

3.) Fat, unenthusiastic high schoolers selling things for various activities:

"Hi, My name is Jasmine and we're raising funds for our cheerleading trip to Ballsack, MO. Would you care to purchase something from this catalog? While you look at this amalgam of overpriced items, I'm going to fiddle with my Ipod and swear in front of your kids."

I remember when we did fundraisers for Little League. Good old Park South. We sold candy bars. For a dollar. One had nuts, the other did not. For a dollar. Let me repeat that for posterity. One dollar! It's all about the Washington's baby.

Now, this catalog that Jasmine the fat cheerleader gave me had all sorts of things in it. Candy, and candles, and wreathes, and incense, and dog toys, and ice cream, and silverware, and sexy negligees, and pooper scoopers, and, my personal favorite, scented wallpaper paste. All of it was way more than a Washington. But since I'm nothing if not helpful to the causes of fat cheerleaders everywhere, I bought a $17 box of Peanut Butter Chocolate Buckeyes. They'd better be the best fucking buckeyes this side of Ohio, that's all I know.

Me: I want these buckeyes.
Jasmine: Those are $17.
Me: Yes. Buckeyes!
Jasmine: Do you want to pay now?
Me: When do I get my buckeyes?
Jasmine: I dunno, June?
Me: I believe I will pay COD for my buckeyes.
Jasmine: Who's that?

4.)People who want me to donate to strange charities:

I will donate to the ones I've heard of and believe are for good causes. But a lot of times the causes are too bizarre to even consider. Here is a list of organizations I will not be donating to:

-The American Association of those Wrestling With their Sexual Identity.
-The Massachusetts Chapter of People born without anuses
-Burn the National Parks
-Ku Klux Kats
-The Center for Abominable Snowman research
-The Make-A-Wish Disruption Foundation
- The Society of Booger Eaters
- A large group of people who wants money for crack
-The Morbidly Obese Gymnastics Troup of Western Dakota County.
- Save the Mosquitos
- The National Association for the Advancement of Horny Pedophiles (NAAHP)
- The MS Masturbate-A-Thon
-Proposition 62-Kill all people named Brian
-The United Federation of Albanians Who Like to Bone Pandas.


I wish normal people would come to the door. Or better yet, no people.