Pointless News Stories

Recently I read a story on the online version of the Star Tribune. It was a headline story. Basically the story was this. Some guy was mad at the city of St Louis Park because he had to wait at a stoplight on Excelsior Blvd for what he thought was an excessive amount of time to take a right to go visit his mother at a nursing home. He wrote the city an angry letter telling them this. Their response was, essentially, "Stick it up your ass buddy, it's a long light on purpose." He was disgruntled.

That was the lead story on the Strib online for a period of time. I cannot for the life of me figure out why this was even in the news, let alone the lead story. I think about 1% of the general population cared. But, because I've always wanted to be a columnist for a bankrupt newspaper, I'm going to write my own pointless story and submit it. It will probably win a Pulitzer prize.

Fat Guy Loves Eating

By Brian

Not many people can polish off 2 pizzas, a Chicago dog, 14 glasses of Clamato juice, and a bucket of chicken gizzards without a big long nap in the middle, but Seymour Jones, 41, of rural Butte County, is not many people, although he weighs as much as many people.

Tipping the scales at 562 pounds, Jones lists his favorite activities as buying food, chewing the food, swallowing the food, and then searching for more food. "It's an all consuming passion," remarked Jones, in between handfuls of Triscuits.

Jones has always been large, even when he was a baby. "My mother had to put an ironing board underneath me to breast feed," he chuckled. "And my dad, well he slapped me around a lot because he knew I couldn't catch him, but that's sort of beside the point."

To keep up his massive girth, Jones must take in over 22,000 calories a day, enough to feed an orphanage for a February (not including the leap year day). It's not just normal, store bought food that Jones eats either. In 2007 he managed to eat and fully digest the entire contents of his attic, a statue commemerating the life of Anna Nicole Smith, and the entire 1968 Harlem Globetrotters basketball team. "They squirmed a lot, and I couldn't get 'Sweet Georgia Brown' out of my head for a month afterward," he remarked.

Just recently, Jones was inducted into the Eating Hall of Fame. "It was the happiest moment of my life," he said. Yes, the world is Seymour Jones' oyster, and he's always hungry.

Now I send this to the Star Tribune and wait for the accolades to come pouring in.