My Friends at the Gym

I go to the gym at about the same time every morning. It's become part of my morning routine which right now looks like this:

• Wake up


• Stretch kinks out of body from 5 hours of sleeping in contorted position because kids are in bed too


• Poop


• Get everybody dressed


• Let the puppy out 800 times


• Put the puppy in his kennel and listen to him shriek in anguish


• Go to the gym

So since this has become part of my morning, I've noticed that there are other people who are always at the gym at the same time as me. They are my friends even though they don't know it.

American Girl Guy- Goofy little guy with glasses. Runs around doing many exercises very quickly. Always steals people's machines unknowingly. Finishes workout by doing 5 million deep knee bends while staring at himself in mirror.

Weird Exercise Guy- Does every exercise while standing on one foot. I can't figure out which part of his body he's working out. Has a Tom Selleck mustache. Wears old Converse All Stars.

The Grunter- Very large, strong person. Let's us all know how strong he is by loudly grunting when he does any lift, even calf raises. Always chewing on a myoplex bar.

Hot Milf with fake boobies- Always doing cardio and looking hot while doing it. Amy says she saw her spraying hairspray and putting on makeup before she worked out. Probably has very high self esteem.

The Talker- Attractive, muscular fellow who hangs out talking to girls and never seems to actually work out. Probably the dude equivalent of Hot Milf with fake boobies.

GI Joe- Guy who wears the same stupid camouflage shirt every day. Maybe he has 10 of those shirts, who knows.

Funny looking guy with Giant Head- This is me.

Old Man who Hates Me- This old guy who always asks me "are you going to use that?" when I'm resting in between sets, then when I say yes, walks away disgustedly. I hate him. I hope he suffers a prolapsed rectum while dead lifting. Wears black socks and looks disheveled

Paul- This super cheerful guy who tried to be my best buddy for a while until I ignored him for months and he gave up. Wears shirts with beer logos on them. Looks like Sven Sundgard.

The Farter- I don't know who this is but once a week he stinks up the entire workout area. Everybody hates him and wants to kill him. His farts smell like diseased roadkill.

David Crosby- Guy who looks like David Crosby. Wears short shorts. Makes sure that every exercise he does incorporates an exercise ball somehow. Once had a fork in his pocket while lifting.

Canteen Boy- Carries a canteen-like thing instead of a water bottle around his neck like he just came from the BWCA. Lifts girlish amounts of weight.

Suspicious Guy- In between sets looks around suspiciously at people. Always wears black. Leaves his towel laying around instead of throwing it in the laundry. Meticulously writes down everything he does while staring around to see who is looking at him.

Crazy rapping IPod guy- Guy who loudly raps along with his IPod so that everyone can hear him. Scares women with his loudness. Also dances a little bit. Can do many pull-ups.

So there you have it. Many different types at the gym.