Who to vote for???

I haven't decided who to vote for yet. I don't usually vote along party lines, (unless I'm in a big hurry like I have to get home for the baseball playoffs or if my voting booth is on fire or something), and I'm normally woefully uninformed on the most important issues (once I voted yes on a referendum to euthanize all funny looking people. At least I thought that's what I was voting for.) I usually just vote on stuff based on the mood I'm in that day. But I figure I gotta get serious here and vote for the best presidential candidate since this is the most pivotal election ever, at least that's what I've been told. So I'm starting a list of pros and cons for each candidate that I figure will eventually morph into a blueprint for who I should vote for, and who you should vote for too, considering this list will be filled with brilliant insight and always flawless logic.

Barack Obama:

Pros:
- He seems very smart, much smarter than me. This is always a good thing. I want the people in charge of the really important decisions to be well informed super smart people. It would seem that they'd have a better chance of getting things right than people of average intelligence.
-He turned down public financing. Not only is he smarter than me, he's my moral superior as well. I would be expecting public financing for everything. I'd have a harem of interns someplace on the beach and I'd expect public financing for that too.
-He could beat every other president ever at 1-on-1 basketball, with the possible exception of the tall and lanky Abraham Lincoln. That means a lot to me.

Cons:
-He's either too black or not black enough to be president depending on which roving pack of morons you talk to. And you know that some gang of inbred, moonshine addled hillbillies is going to eventually stop eating possum long enough to try to take him out. We might find out how inherently racist our society still is. I don't know if that's a good thing.
-His name sounds like a terrorist name. I have this very irrational fear that when he gets elected, at his first state of the union address, Osama Bin Laden and John Walker Lindh are going to pop out of a coat closet and the three of them are going to sit there for an hour and laugh at us and I'll have to miss a good portion of Monday Night Football.

John McCain:

Pros:
-Also seems very smart. Disagrees with his party at times. Thinks on his own. Good for him.
-Was a POW for 6 years but still opposes waterboarding. Again, this makes him a better person than me. If I had been a POW for 6 years, forget waterboarding, I'd probably be flat out drowning people for fun.
-Doesn't take any guff from people who make fun of him because he is old. I saw him choke out this college kid once because the kid tried to open a door for him

Cons:
-Is awfully old. It might be a blow to the country's self-esteem if the President's inaugural meal was steak (cut into 4000 tiny pieces) and corn on the cob (cut off the cob and mushed into a fine paste). It's also bad for your country if your President dies of old age on the job.
-Cheated on his wife. Isn't that more of a Democrat thing?
-Can't raise his arms above his head. Harrison Ford would have never defeated the terrorists in Air Force One if he hadn't been able to raise his arms above his head. Stephen Hawking isn't going to become President. I rest my case.

Anybody Else:

Pros:
-You can smugly show your friends how well informed you are because you voted for the best candidate out there. Or you can be one of the average 25,000 weirdos who vote for Mickey Mouse each election. Or you can vote for your stoner buddy Charlie and then go tell him and he might, like, give you some pot.

Cons:
-Your candidate is not going to win.

Wow, what a great list.