Brian Learns to Chat

You know what's really fun. Going onto chat lines and bothering people. I know it might be a little bit old hat, but screw it, I'd never done it before, and I wanted to get in on the fun. So I found myself a chat line and went about trying to get people to chat with me. Here is a transcript:

-A website-

Me: Hey, anybody want to have sweaty avatar sex???

(No responses)

Me: Hey, I'm buck naked and doing jumping jacks. Let the sex begin.
Person: This is a chat line for the American Girl Dolls. Go away.

A better website:

Me: Hey, my avatar wants some lovin' from all of your easy bake ovens. BOI-OI-OI-OI-OING!!
Person: What's up?
Me: My boner. Let's have some avatar sex.
Person: LOL. OK.
Me: So, like how do we do this. Do I stick my weiner in the disk drive or something??
Person: What???!!
Me: I'm new to this game, like a fresh faced rapper...
Person: You have a disk drive?
Me: Actually, I have an old toaster at my feet. I figure it will work OK for this.
Person: What??? Is wrong with you.
Me: Well, it's not like it's plugged in or anything. I'm following safety standards.
Person: You don't stick your dick in a toaster.
Me: Now that's sound advice. Note to self: No dick in toaster. Thanks!!
Person: How old are you?
Me: 4 and a half.
Person: No you aren't.
Me: OK, you got me.
Me: I named my ding-dong. You know what his name is?
Person: Oh no.
Me: Ed.
Person: Ed. Why Ed?
Me: Well, why not? Why did your parents name you Ginger?
Person: My name isn't Ginger!??
Me: Shut up Ginger.
Me: This is going well, are you ready for some sweaty avatar sex where we don't stick our dicks in the toaster?
Person: I'm a girl.
Me: Whew. So a toaster would be pretty pointless for you then huh? Maybe a milk frother would work better.
Person: What are you talking about? This is stupid.
Me: Wait, guess what I'm wearing?
Person: A sign that says "I'm stupid."
Me: No, cowboy boots, a dickie, and a deer skin.
Person: Really?
Me: Yes, my bear skin is at the dry cleaners.
Person: You are very strange.
Me: I used to be a mountain man. Except that I didn't have a mountain, only my parents basement. Minor detail.
Person: IMHO you are just screwing around.
Me: Don't call me Imho. My name is Big Ernie, and my weiner's name is Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt you, would he?
Person: I don't think we'll ever find out.
Me: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: Because if so, I'm sticking my dick in the toaster.
Me: I don't like all your draconian rules.
Me: I just wanted some sweaty, no-strings-attached, dick-in-the-toaster, avatar sex. Is that so much to ask??
Me: Are you blue, like the people in the movie about avatars?
Me: Because being blue is a turn-on for me. That and having more than two nipples. If you had 3 boobs like that girl in Total Recall, I'd marry you.
Me: I also like girls who swear in Polish. C'mon give me a big Yavutski!!
Me: Do you know what a face baby is?
Person: AAAAHH, leave me alone.
Me: You have sexy elbows.
Person: (is offline)
Me: Bye, bye Ginger

That was fun!!