My Neighbor

I have this neighbor. I really like my neighbor. I really like all my neighbors, I mean, that's kind of the point of having neighbors right? But this particular neighbor that I'm speaking of, worries me a little bit.

We call him "The Professor" because I believe he is a teacher, either that or he's unemployed over Christmas and the summer. He's very tall and skinny, with a gray pony tail, and a gray beard. Every conversation I've had with him has been cordial, although he is one of those people who cares nothing about what you have to say, and instead waits patiently, and in many cases not so patiently, to talk about himself.

Being the good neighbor that I try to be, I smile and nod, and acquiesce, and pretend that his drivel is important and meaningful to me, as I do with many people who I come into contact with.

The thing that worries me about this man is that he has perhaps the worst "up front" temper I've ever been privy to. I understand that people, behind the privacy of the walls of their homes, may scream and say some terrible things, but this man seems to leave the privacy walls behind him. And he's LOUD!!

I remember a time this summer when he and his wife were out doing yardwork, she was raking up old, dead grass and shrubs, and he was mowing, and I was out picking up dandelions, which is a large part of my summer work, and it looked as though he deliberately drove the mower directly into a large pile of crud. It was large enough to short the mower, and it made him start jumping around in furious anger. It made me giggle because it looked retarded.

So, I sat there giggling to myself at the idiocy of this man, but then he let loose with a string of profanities that shcoked even me, and it's me.

"WHAT IS THIS FUCKING PILE OF SHIT DOING HERE." He was furious. I realized this and it worried me enough so that I snuck behind my truck to make sure he couldn't see me snickering at him. You ever do that, see somebody lose their cool, and then go pretend you are doing something behind something? Just to make sure they don't run over and quickly kill you. I also planned my excuse too. I bet you don't do that. If he came over I was going to say that I had seen a chipmunk in my garage, and I had gone over to investigate. I had my bases covered.

I've also seen him get mad this winter. Now realize how loud he was yelling here because I was in my house when I heard him. I heard a loud screeching noise, and when I peeked outside I saw him gesticulating wildly with a snow shovel in his hands. So, naturally, I went outside and pretended I was shoveling..... behind my truck. I can't lie to you, he was cursing at the weather. There was nobody else out there and he was yelling things like "I'LL FUCKING TEACH YOU TO BE THIS COLD" and "OH YEAH, PILE IT ON MOTHERFUCKER!!" Then he got in his car and screamed........ for about 30 seconds. I was worried and excited, like when hookers are nice to me in Vegas.

The thing is, I don't think he'll go off and kill the entire neighborhood, but I've been wrong before, and he's still there, even right now as we speak. He's still there, he's still there, he's still there.....