Skotes' Wedding Reception

So since I've been requested to write about Skotes' wedding reception, I figured I might as well break it down by the minute, as I remember it. If you remember something differently, chances are you were drunk.

7:30 PM: I leave my house. I ask Amy to read the directions to the Gale Mansion on the invite. She looks at the invite. There is a small, rudimentary map drawn on it in colored pencil. It says, "For complete directions, look on the internet." This angers me.

7:47 PM: Driving aimlessly around South Minneapolis, hoping to avoid gang wars and crack dealers. The invite says that the Gale Mansion is in the "Mansion District". I didn't know there was a mansion district. I am lost.

7:58 PM: Accidentally find the correct mansion. There is no place to park nearby. Amy suggests we use valet. I am convinced the Valet drivers will steal my truck and go joyriding, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We drive around the block.

8:01 PM: We are on the next block. There is a small insane asylum on this block. Insane people are milling around the front of it, most likely doing very insane things. There are parking spots by the insane people. We do not park there. KT does and apparently lives to tell about it.

8:04: We park a few blocks away by a park. We begin to walk to the mansion. I get paranoid that my lights are malfunctioning and will not turn off and my battery will die and the insane people will boil Amy and I alive in a large cauldron as we are leaving. I stand and stare at my truck for 3 minutes until the lights go off.

8:07: We enter the mansion. The first thing I notice is that I am the most casually dressed person in there. I mention this revelation to Amy. She tells me I am ALWAYS the most casually dressed person anywhere. I am somewhat hurt by her candor.

8:08: We run into Little Ras. I told him beforehand that I was wearing a yellow shirt and khakis and that he should do the same because then we'd look like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in Twins. Obviously he has not taken my advice because he is dressed more nicely than me.

8:11: I learn that we are not being served dinner. I am hungry and angry about this. A waiter carrying a tray of meatballs walks by. I grab many meatballs and eat them quickly. They are spicier than I had assumed. I say, "That's one spicy Meat-za-ball!!" to no one in particular. The waiter and Ras laugh at me. I notice that the waiter is actually a waitress with boy hair. This confuses my loins.

8:17: Goose is looking bald and dapper. He's telling a story about how a kid he coached at Hamline is doing well in Rookie Ball. I tell him the kid is in "A" ball. He says something snotty along the lines of, "I think I know my own players." I tell him he is an idiot and we bet two dollars. He text messages the kid. "A" ball. I now only owe Goose 48 dollars which he may or may not ever receive.

8:19: Matty G calls someone and says he'll be there in 10 minutes. "10 minutes" is a Matty G euphemism for "A really long time from now." We all will be surprised if he makes it by 9.

8:25: I spill a bunch of water on the floor and then blame the pitcher it came in. I also eat some item containing seafood solely because it came by on a tray carried by the boy/girl waiter/waitress.

8:30: Amy and Jane are sitting on a couch talking about uninteresting things. I tell them they are sitting on a fainting couch. They tell me I am wrong. Screw them. Like they know much about fainting couches. It was a fainting couch, deal with it.

8:31: Deets arrives and apologizes for being late. We tell him he beat Matty G. He takes absolutely no solace in this fact.

8:40: Still haven't met Skotes' new bride. We begin to openly question whether or not there is a bride, or whether Skotes just gave up and married Matt B.

9:02: Matty G arrives with much fanfare, looking very satisfied with himself.

9:10: Matt B and the maid of honor give speeches. Apparently there are numerous people in the crowd who got married on Sept 11, including Matt B which lends further credence to the now oft repeated rumor that Matt B and Skotes are married to each other. I am trapped behind many women and a glass door so I can't see anything. I try to duck down and stand up on my tiptoes so I can see the two people giving speeches by staring underneath a lady's armpit or over her head. I notice that another woman is doing this as well. We notice each other. I laugh and remark that it's like we're on a teeter-totter together. She either does not understand, or she thinks I'm creepy. She moves away from me.

9:15: The lobby is crowded. Someone mentions that there is a porch upstairs. We decide to form a clique of old baseball players and their wives and girlfriends and head up there. I load up on appy's first along with Little Ras. The appy's consist of millions of different kinds of cheese, crackers, and little racks of lamb. I grab a pound of cheese and crackers, and 2 little lambs. I shove Little Ras forward when he gets distracted by something shiny because I don't want to walk up the stairs alone with that much cheese and crackers.

9:16: The porch we heard about is filled with many people laughing obnoxiously. I sit down in the lobby in a fainting chair (Screw you, that's what it is) and begin shoveling cheese and crackers into my mouth. Amy comes over and steals one of my baby lambs. I look at her with utter contempt but continue eating cheese and crackers. One of the cheeses smells exactly like feet. I eat it anyway. It's not bad. Goose begins channeling his inner bartender (or inner bitch) and fetching drinks for any and all who request them.

9:40: We move to a different upstairs room, painted pink and with many frilly, lace valances topping the windows. Half the team turns gay.

9:45: Food begins telling an outrageous story that nearly justifies becoming a level 3 sex offender in his mind, about a young-ish girl who stripped naked and asked him to "fuck her brains." We are all perplexed at this. "Did she say 'out'?" I ask in horror. Laughter ensues, but I am thinking that doing anything to anyone's brains is at best gross and at worst criminal. The picture in my mind frightens me all night.

9:50: Goose is on his 3rd beer and mentions how drunk he is getting. We roll our eyes at him. He then begins to tell many stories, some funny, but most only partially relevant. I learn that he hit a guy in the leg with a golf ball and didn't even have the decency to yell "fore" or "look out" beforehand. He also mentions he wants to have a party where everybody hangs out and gets really drunk. No one pays attention to him.

9:55: I go looking for a place to pee, preferably a bathroom. I find one but Goose is outside banging on the door and the pee zips back up into my kidneys. I tell him to stop, but once he's had 3 beers, apparently it's a waste of time. I finally pee and leave. He goes in and stays in there for a while. Nobody knows what he is doing.

10:00: Someone keeps trying to open the door behind the wives and girlfriends. This scares them.

10:05: A cameraman comes in and starts taking many pictures. People are annoyed by him for some reason but he is oblivious to this. Hoping to distract them, I take a circular cracker from the large plate of cheese and crackers, say "Body of Christ", and place the entire thing in my mouth, like communion. It barely fits and my mouth gets all dry from chewing it up. People are confused by my behavior, especially Jess, who begins questioning my sanity.

10:15: I go to get more baby lambs since Amy ate 50% of my lambs before. To my horror, the lambs have been replaced with cake. I look all around for more lambs, even under the table. I find none. I am sad to the point of crying. We bring up a lot of cake.

10:16: We couldn't find any forks. Food goes away for a while, and returns with many forks. He is hailed as a hero/sexual deviant.

10:20: Matt B comes into the pink room and continues an argument that has been going on since Skotes bachelor party that Skotes throws harder than Matty G, but with less command. This argument has gotten tiresome. We still have not met the bride so it stands to reason that Matt B. is sticking up for Skotes in this argument because they are married.

10:40: We finally meet the bride. She is very pretty and seems to genuinely like Skotes. Myth, busted.

10:45: 3 conversations about fantasy football break out simultaneously. The girls start yawning. Goose is near a coma. The end is near.

11:00: Everyone abruptly gets up and leaves including Natron (who hasn't been mentioned yet), and his girlfriend (who is cool because she went to USD, like me.)

11:01: I give the photographer a friendly pat on the butt as I walk out. I'm not sure why.

11:05: We say our goodbyes and walk to our cars. I tell KT and Jess to scream loudly if they are attacked by a roving gang of lunatics on the way to their car. I hear nothing so I assume they're OK.

Congrats Skotes. It was a fun and entertaining night.