News you never Hear

Doesn't it get tiring to hear about some guy that gets fed up and goes on a shooting rampage? It's just tedious. You know why? It's because it's always one of two people.

1.) Some guy who just got fired or dumped by his girlfriend runs into his or her work and kills everybody.

2.) Delusional nerds who never talk to anybody except online where they spew violent rhetoric with a screen name like "ZombieSpockBallhairs13" and then one day they run into their school and kill everybody.

Always the same. You know what I want to see? The star player on the basketball team walking around shooting dorks just because he gets peeved at how unbelievably unobservant they are. Didn't you ever want to do that.

Maybe not shoot them, but, didn't you ever see some kid that was always getting picked on, and want to just go over to him and give him a good hard shaking, and say, "Why are you such a freaking dork? You walk around in the same halls I do, you see the kind of stuff that's going to get you picked on, why do you insist on still doing it?? Look at your dandruff! Your shoulders are completely white. Get a better shampoo!! Your breath smells like inside buns left out in the sun. Brush your teeth!! Not that hard."

How about a Janitor that pops out of broom closets and rapes the lunch ladies. That would be interesting huh? How about a guy with multiple personalities raping himself. Now that would be newsworthy. There's all sorts of things like that that you never hear about that would make really great news

-A tornado that touches down in a valley and can't get out so it bounces around in the valley like a pinball forever.
-A talking sheep
-A man who is addicted to slamming his penis in a door
-Joe Mauer gets busted smoking crack at the bus station
-Catholicism and Satanism are basically the same thing.
-Every single person in Rhode Island has at least one testicle.
-A man gets arrested for pooping off the Empire State Building Observation Deck
-Listening to classical music in utero makes your baby 10 times more likely to hate you as a teenager.
- 95% of wizard sightings are actually just women in Burqas.
-People's buttholes start spontaneously and mysteriously growing over.

That would all make great news. Someone needs to make sure all of these things happen. Not me though.