The Bursting Appendix Date Story

I've gotten a few requests for this, so I've decided to rehash it for those who haven't heard it so everyone who hasn't heard it can mock me.

I had just turned 19, and was getting ready to leave for college within a month. I was at Northwest Health club in St Louis Park which is now a Lifetime Fitness. Now, normally when I went to work out, I would spend 75% of the time actually working out, and about 25% of the time staring at girls. Not talking or anything, just staring from afar, usually at their butts. I apologize for that, but really, what do most people stare at? I bet it's not the elbows or the forehead creases.

Anyhow, the place was pretty busy that day and benches were at a premium. When I went to sit down on a bench I literally crashed into a girl's back, with my back. I turned around just at the same time she did (to see what sort of thing was back there that we weren't expecting) and her little dumbbell crushed me in the arm. It hurt a lot and I kind of wanted to punch her. She said she was sorry and that she hadn't seen me. I said it's OK, and I turned to walk off, but she kept talking to me. I have no idea what we talked about, except that her name was Jen, but it's a good thing her butt was all the way behind her, otherwise my cover would have totally been blown. This eventually led to this awkward exchange.

Jen: So do you want to do something later?
Brian: Well, I'm gonna go do incline flys in a bit, you can come if you want?
Jen: Uh........ no, I meant like later later?
Brian: Later later? Um...... (Lightbulb finally goes on) Oh yeah definitely. Sorry, a dumbbell hit my arm and it hurt.
Jen: HAHAHA you're funny!!!
Brian (thinking to himself): Seriously, my arm hurts...

So we went out a few days later, to a chinese place, and had a fairly normal date up to a point. She was a 23 year old nursing student at some place that churns out nurses like lemmings, and she had her own apartment. Now, bear in mind that I was still two months away from the complete and total freedom that is college so the concept of somebody with their own apartment was like Valhalla to me. Plus I was relieved that if we were going to make out or anything, it wouldn't have to be in the back of her mom's Yugo.

Things were going fine, conversation was pleasant, and the food was good. Then came this.

Jen: Can you reach into my purse and get my compact for me?
Brian: I don't have any idea what you're talking about.
Jen: It's a square thing with a mirror.
Brian: That just sounds like a mirror.
Jen: HAHAHAHA!!!

I reach into her purse (it was one of those big deep purses that you could keep a large cat in) and all I see is like 400 condoms. For a split second I panicked and thought that maybe I was running with a known prosty-toot and just had been too naive to notice. I brought out her square thing and said,

Brian: Holy Galactic Prophylactics! (Actually I didn't say this but it would have been cool)
Jen: Hahaha....yeah, I keep them around in case...

This was her not so subtle hint to me that she had cast her chastity belt into the metaphorical Mississippi River long ago. I was faced with an obvious dilemma. That's when fate decided to intervene...

I began to feel a little pressure in my stomach followed shortly after by some very serious pain. The pain was bad enough that I couldn't really concentrate on what she was saying (something about cats and jackrabbits I think). I started definitely believing something was very wrong. I had just read this article about some guy who had a bad stomach ache and then all of a sudden his appendix burst and he died right there at Sears. I knew it was my appendix, I just knew it. So I did the only thing I could. I said, "I have to leave right now! I think my appendix is going to pop." She was really pissed off like I made up the appendix thing because I thought she was boring. Whatever. I left and she stayed there alone.

When I got to the hospital I went to the front desk at Urgent Care and the woman seemed none too pleased to see me.

Woman: Yes?
Me: I think my appendix is bad.
Woman: Why do you think that?
Me: Because my appendix hurts really bad!
Woman: Well how do you know it's your appendix?
Me: Because I read about this guy and.....MY APPENDIX HURTS REALLY BAD!!!

So I got ushered from the first waiting room to the 2nd waiting room, the room that the doctor actually comes in. I felt like I was going to explode from my stomach and my guts were going to fly all over. I started looking for any medicine I could find, like an epidural or something. I would have drank an epidural if I could have found one. But there was no medicine in there, all I could find was paper towels and tongue depressers. So I started jabbing at my stomach with a tongue depresser. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish by this, but I was desperate. Just as I had about given up.....the pain subsided, first a little bit, and then completely. I was very happy about this but it also presented me with a strange problem. A perfectly fine person is now in the second waiting room. So, after sitting there for a minute staring at the tongue depressers, I just got up and left.

I called Jen later on to explain to her what had happened and she was still really mad. So that was that. I'd see her periodically at the gym for a while after that, but she never said anything to me. It was sort of pointlessly awkward. As it turned out, it was for the best.

(Side Note: I still have no idea what happened that night. My guess was the chinese food had no MSG but it did have some R-A-T in it. Someone suggested to me once that my brain conjured my appendix problem to save me from this girl. That's stupid!!)