Somebody's watching ME

I'm not 100% certain about this, but I'm a little bit suspicious that a guy might be stalking me at the gym. I am not happy about this. It all started a few weeks ago. I was in the locker room, looking at either the ceiling or the floor in the hopes of avoiding all the gross naked men with their micropenises sauntering back and forth past me.

I had been especially successful at this that day and so I was feeling pretty accomplished when somebody said, "Hey, what happened to your back?" I turned to see this little guy smiling at me and pointing at my torso. This made me uncomfortable. I could tell immediately that he was the type of person who in high school would have tagged along on everything any group of people did until somebody said to him, "WHY ARE YOU HERE?" and then he'd feel all stupid but continue to tag along anyway. At least he had underpants on. But, being the extremely friendly person I am, I told him it was a heart surgery scar. (Side note: As a refresher, I had heart surgery in 1996 and I now have an 18 inch scar shaped like a sickle on my back.) He said this:

Dude: Wow, cool!
Me: Wasn't that great really. Kind of hurt a lot. Morphine was fun though.
Dude: Do you have any restrictions because of it?
Me: Well, I'm not supposed to eat rat poison or jump off of skyscrapers anymore. HAHA (My obvious attempt to scare him away with humor that only I find funny)
Dude: HAW HAW HAW. I was just asking because my mother's friend....blah blah blah.... herpes....blah blah blah.....sexually attracted to snakes... blah blah blah... surgery in a barn..... blah blah blah.. big scar.. blah blah..... can't go out in daylight... blah blah.... pancreas explodes, etc.

I realize that the whole time he's been talking I've been staring into my own gym bag pretending to look for nothing. Unfortunately, this guy is one of those people that doesn't understand things like body language so he is unfazed at my blatant attempt to get him the fuck out of my space, plus he kept trying to somehow stare around me to see the scar and he was smiling the whole time too which was creepy.

Dude: Hi, I'm Paul!
Me: (Think of a fake name, think of a fake name.) Hi, I'm....... Brian. (CRAP!!)
Paul: Nice to meet you. Well, gotta go (insert an overtly gay workout platitude here; rip my abs, shred my quads, max my glutes, etc).

I don't remember what exactly he said, but it was the linguistic equivalent of drying your pubic hair with a community hairdryer. It made me cringe. Then he was gone, much to my relief, and after a while I even began mocking myself for letting Paul bug me that much. All was well until 3 days later. I was standing on a treadmill about to run someplace when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and nobody was there. Then I heard a "HAW HAW HAW" and he was on the other side of me.

Paul: Gotcha. How ya doin Brian?
Me: Oh, hey.
Paul: Went to Hooters this weekend!
Me: Good work.
Paul: Chicks there are PHENOMENAL!
Me: Yeah.
Paul: Cardio huh?
Me: Yep.
Paul: Have fun chief!

I realized I don't like being called "Chief."

So since then I've had about 6 encounters with this guy and he's always all friendly and in your face and I don't mean to sound mean but I don't ever want to talk to this guy again or look at him or think about him, but I don't really know how that's going to happen. He seems to have an innate sense for when I'm going to be at the gym. It's like when girls live together and begin getting their periods at the same time. He's just like a period. I'm afraid that the only way to get him to leave me alone is to murder him, and from what I'm told that's kind of risky and messy.

So if anybody has any ideas on how to make Paul go away forever that don't involve the spilling of blood, please let me know.