Inspirational E-Mails

Recently I've been getting a rash of these so-called "inspirational e-mails." They are ususually a load of stupid paradoxes that are designed to make you think about what a sorry, uncaring jerk you are and how you can be so much better if you just stop and try. Maybe that is true, but if you really need to get your inspiration from e-mails that have been mass forwarded by your Aunt Judy, you probably have a lot of other things you need to fix first.

Plus they all make the writer invariably sound like a gigantic pussy. Then they get attributed to some famous person, (i.e. George Carlin, Andy Rooney, Gallagher II, Charles Manson, ALF) and the famous person in question either angrily chokes on his vomit, or, if the person is dead, comes out of their grave and starts killing drunken gravediggers and horny teens getting their freak on in the cemetary. Then we finally learn that the actual author is some holier-than-thou pastor, who loves to write sanctimonious, self-righteous e-mails and has recently been busted for having gay sex in a public restroom while high off crystal meth.

We love too little
But argue too much
We're deep pocketed
But shallow-minded
We're high on drugs
But low on self worth
We kill our young
But don't save our whales
We pity our criminals
But condemn our creator
We eat to excess
But neglect the starving children
We pollute our oceans
But drink bottled water
We pay our prostitutes
And prostitute for pay
We obsess about the almighty dollar
But ignore the almighty scholar
We love Sin City
We hate Generosity

Then it usually ends with a head scratching platitude like "There is no greater good than what's within you." Then it says to send this to 800 people or my nutsack will spontaneously detach from my body and run away.

Well people, I still have my nutsack, and I still think these e-mails are awful. So please don't send them to me, even if it costs you a nutsack. Thanks.