One of my favorite things in all the world is lobsters. Lobsters are probably the coolest animal in the universe. They are the absolute antithesis to hornets. When I was a kid (and a teenager) I used to stare at the lobsters in the tank and think to myself, "If there is a God, he is probably a big lobster." So far my theory of a Lobster God has not been met with widespread acceptance, but give it time. I would assume that within 30 years, most churches will look like large aquariums. The reasons for lobster superiority are many.
1.) They taste delicious- Lobsters are very tasty. Plus, what other animal do you eat by cracking open its back and butt shell? A very great way to eat something, I must say.
2.) They defend themselves by pinching- Any animal that has managed to stay alive all these years whose only means of defense is pinching is pretty great, not to mention the fact that they are indiscriminate pinchers. That's why they have rubber bands on their claws even when they're in the tank with only a bunch of other lobsters. Because they will swim around and pinch anything in the way. Awesome!
3.) People are afraid of them- It's a known fact that 67% of people (94% in Maine) are deathly afraid of lobsters. People actually dream about a marauding horde of lobsters coming to get them. When you're scarier than Al-Qaeda to the general population and your only weapon is pinchers, you are awesome.
4.) They look like tiny monsters- This probably contributes to the reason that people are so cavalier about dropping them alive into a pot of boiling water. Nobody feels any remorse about the painful death of a monster. Remember when Jaws got blown up. Roy Scheider did not feel bad about that.
5.) They look just as scary as a baby lobster- Lobsters are one of the only things that don't look cute as a baby. They look scary and menacing, just on a smaller scale. This is awesome.
6.) They would make a great pet- This is sort of obvious, but imagine how great it would be to be having a party where everybody was constantly on the lookout for your pet lobster:
Me: Lift your feet, lobster coming through!
Everybody: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Me: Awesome!!
Yes, a lobster roaming the house would certainly make you the talk of the town. Burglars would hear through the burglar grapevine and would most certainly not even contemplate burgling your house. Not with a free range lobster lurking about.
7.) When your pet lobster died, you could just eat him- Isn't it a pain when your pet dies? You either have to pay the hospital to dispose of the carcass, or you have to dig a hole in your backyard and bury him. Digging a hole sucks. A pet lobster is the cure all.
So as you can see, lobsters are perfect in most every way, so when you see one, make sure to say "Hi." It might just save you a pinching.
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Crabs would seemingly fit nearly every point on the superiority list. Sadly, their status as an awesome pet has been severely damaged by the fact that the mere mention of the word 'crabs' conjures up an image of a dirty hooker. Nobody wants crabs.
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