Pants or no Pants

I was at the gym this morning, in the locker room where all the nudists hang out, when I noticed a guy prancing around butt naked. The unusual thing about this fella is that he had a large roll of stomach fat that completely covered and enveloped his junk. It was like he had skin underpants. He had obviously lost a large amount of weight, but he either didn't have the money to get that surgery where they lop off all your excess skin and give it to charity, or he was like "Fuck it, I got me some skin underpants now."

Strangely, I felt a little envious towards this guy, because he really didn't even need pants anymore, and I've always felt that pants kind of got in the way. I don't think I've ever had a pair of pants that I considered comfortable. One time I thought I had found a really comfy pair but they were in the girl bin at Kmart, and even I have some standards. If you ever see me wearing teal colored girl sweatpants from the Kmart bin, you will officially know that I have given up on looking presentable.

I think if I was President, I would institute a no pants policy for the country. We'd call it "The Donald Duck Rule" and if you were embarrassed that your paraphernilia was hanging out the bottom you could always wear a really long shirt, or a Charles Ingalls style nightgown. In fact, I think that would be preferable since really there's nothing uglier than a weiner. A bunch of exposed weiners might hurt our country's morale and with the economy being in a shambles, that's not what we need. It might get a little bit cold in the winter, but, from what I understand, all you need is a stocking cap and you can't possibly get cold.

This is probably reason #6,186 that I will never become President, but believe me, a pantsless society is a peaceful society. How many wars have been started by folks with no pants? Probably no more than 4.