The Hotness Test

I have found the best barometer in the world to let you know how attractive you are. It happened by accident, but it is 100% accurate. It goes like this:

Step 1: Go to a restaurant and wait. You may have to go to many restaurants for many years, but stay positive...

Step 2: Wait for a girl who has mistaken you for her boyfriend to come up and scream at you in front of the patrons and waiters.

Step 3: Look at her. If she is hot, you are hot. If she is ugly, you are ugly. If she is sober, she is insane. If she is naked, she is VERY insane.

Step 4: Complain to manager, receive discount on Szechuan Long Beans.

Step 5: Resume eating while shrugging shoulders every 13 seconds to help convey message that insane naked person was indeed a stranger.

As I mentioned, this series of steps is 100% accurate. It's just rare. I was at PF Chang's not long ago, enjoying some gourmet Chinese cuisine. For argument's sake, let's say I was eating Szechuan Long Beans. All of a sudden, I hear a ruckus. Since ruckuses seem to follow me like stray dogs, I pay no attention. The ruckus gets louder and closer and I hear a voice say, "GREG??" Since I am not Greg, I still pay no attention. Soon, the ruckus is right beside me. "GREG, WHAT THE HELL??" I look up and an angry woman is glaring at me, seething. I have a mouthful of long beans and I am still not Greg. I say nothing. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!!" She is very angry. She smells like smoke. I am worried. I swallow my long beans and look around. People are looking at me. I do not like this. I quickly scan my brain for anybody I've interacted with who might be justified in angrily calling me Greg. I can't think of anyone. "AND WHO IS THIS?" She points at my wife. I compose myself long enough to say, "What are you talking about?" She says, "OHMIGOD" and stomps out. I stare at the air for a long time. I stare at my fingers for a while too. People are still looking at me. I shrug my shoulders 4 million times while I resume eating.

Now after the initial shock of it all, I began to take account of what had transpired. A girl mistook me for somebody she was involved with. She was not too bad looking. She looked a little like she may have gone on a long crack binge at some point, but not too recently. It was OK. I felt good about myself. If she had looked like Kathy Bates, I would have felt much worse. And that's how it works. Flawless. I am attractive enough to date crazy people. That's all I really needed.