Halloween- A Retrospective

As Halloween approaches, I can't help but think back to the various phases I went through on Halloween, dating back to my time as a big fat baby. I think we all go through similar phases at various Halloweens.

1.) Baby phase-Somebody dresses you as something cute and innocuous, like a punkin' or a princess. (Side note: One time, I saw a baby dressed as a potato. It's remarkable how much babies look like potatoes.) You go to like 4 houses because you can't say "Trick-or Treat" and your parents want to get home because it's cold and they have already bought a large bag of Reeses to supplement your pathetic 4 house haul.

2.) Dinosaur phase-My mom made me a gigantic dinosaur costume complete with a puffy, 3 foot long tail that left a swath of destruction in it's wake. I'd have to wear this on the bus which meant that every 4th kid was sure to get a mouthful of dinosaur ass on my way down the aisle. It was a miracle I didn't get the crap kicked out of me. I was like the kid who brought his cello on the bus. Didn't you always want to beat him over the head with his stupid cello? I sure did.

3.) Victim of Jason Voorhees phase-This seemed to be my costume a lot. You could go to The Fun Shop at Knollwood and get fake blood and fake scars and fake injuries and stuff. School hated this costume because they said it promoted murdering people. The real problem was that the fake blood would drip all over the place and make a god awful mess and the janitors (who always seemed to be dressed like morbidly obese versions of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz) had a hard time cleaning it up

4.) Nothing Part I-Here's where I decided I was too old to put much effort into a costume, but I still wanted candy, and the opportunity to roam around with my friends and wreak havoc on pumpkins and leaf bags throughout the neighboorhood. So I'd draw on my face with marker, or put pantyhose over my head, even though that pretty much made me a burglar and not a trick or treater, and head out. The adults never looked too thrilled.

Adult: What are you supposed to be?
Us: Burglars who want candy, duh.
Adult: Hmm, not much of a costume.
Us: You're passing out individually wrapped tic tacs. You don't deserve more than this. And I'm going to stab your leaf bags for fun later.

5.) Nothing Part II- Some high schooler would have a party, and some people would dress up. I would show up as me, not have fun, and leave. On my way home I would search for houses where the people had foolishly left out a big bowl of candy, and if I found one I would take the candy (and the bowl) and drive home. People who blatently ask to get robbed should have their wishes granted. Long live Jombie.

6.) Pirate phase-This was my college costume, and I have to admit that I looked pretty swarthy. The parties were fun, people got out of control, and all girl costumes took the form of a regular occupation preceded by the word "Slutty", as in "Slutty Nurse," "Slutty Teacher," "Slutty Janet Reno," and in some cases, "Slutty Slut." The only problem was that the pants of my costume were very tight and my junk was prominently poking out. I tried padding the pants with toilet paper but this just made me look like a pirate with a wide and lumpy frontbutt. "Yarr, check out me frontbutt!" is not a phrase a pirate should ever utter.

7.) Nothing III-These are the parties you have once you get older. Nobody does crazy stuff anymore, and basically people just sit around and talk about work. This is the only time you might actually see Charlie Chaplin talking to the Joker about mutual funds. After leaving a party like this you might find yourself thinking, "Gee, there sure are a lot of douchebags walking around."

8.) Dad-Basically beginning the cycle all over. We're taking the kids to the mall to trick or treat, how ghetto are we?

Kid (Looking hopeful): Trick or treat!
Mall Employee: Here ya go. $1 off a pedicure.

We also have a large bag of Reeses that we are not passing out to anyone except our own mouths.
I hope my life goes in a direction so that eventually when I'm old I can become:

9.) Scary dude who becomes even scarier on Halloween. Imagine how fun it would be if all the kids thought you were a maniac escaped from the asylum. I would definitely perpetuate this myth. Shoot I might even kidnap somebody from the neighborhood, just for the sake of authenticity. Maybe I already have. BOO!!