Most of your pets suck.

Have you ever noticed how many really stupid pets there are out there? Not stupid as in low functioning brain capacity, we all know that pets are dumb (eating turds, chasing laser beams, peeing inappropriate places, etc). Rather, stupid as in pointless, as in "What possible enjoyment could you get from this?" The reason I bring it up is because I was at the beach the other day and I saw a guy walking an Iguana or something on a leash, and I just sat there and marveled at how retarded he looked. He also looked like the type of guy that probably went home and had sex with the iguana too, but that's his business, not mine. That's the way it is with me. If you want to hump a lizard, don't look for me to try and talk you out of it.

Anyhow, think how many stupid pets there are:

-Fish- Fish are perhaps the most boring pets in the world. You can't pet a fish, it won't cuddle with you, and fish die at an amazing rate. I bought my daughter a fish for her birthday and it died about 2 days later. So I bought another fish and passed it off as the dead one, and then it died. So I kept doing this over and over for about 20 fish and all they did was swim around and die. What a waste of 28 cents. Finally I wised up and bought a Betta fish, which is supposed to be less likely to die. True to it's word, it hasn't died. But it does even less than the dying fishes did. It doesn't even swim, it just hovers there. One time we forgot to feed it for 2 weeks and it still didn't die. It's like taking care of a piece of styrofoam.

-Gerbil- These are no good because somebody might break into your house and stick the gerbil up his butt. Having a gerbil is like putting out a welcome mat for perverts and buttophiles (I just made that word up.) Plus some gerbils are really ill-tempered and try to bite you any chance they get, presumably because they are concerned that you are going to stick them up your butt. In that respect, I don't blame them. But they still suck.

-Snake- Way more boring than you'd think. My roommate in college bought a snake and all the snake did was curl up in a ball. Stupid. Then my roommate was playing with him one night while he was drunk and he passed out on top of him and the snake died. That part was funny.

-Rats and Mice- Rats and mice are vermin. Why would you want to have vermin for a pet?That's like having a buttophile (see above) as a houseguest.

-Lizards-Lizards are about one step above fish in terms of boringness. Plus they are really hard to see so even if they are doing something cool (which they probably aren't) there's a good chance you'll miss it. And if you accidentally leave them someplace sunny while you go on vacation, they cook and smell really terrible. The only possible good thing is if people get a baby alligator, and then realize how boring he is so they flush him down the toilet and he grows to immense proportions in the sewer and starts eating city workers.

-Exotic Animals- Usually animals you shouldn't have in the first place. Chances are, eventually you'll screw up and the animal will either eat you whole, poison you, or spray stink all over you. Then you'll have to go to either the morgue, the hospital, or the bathtub. Doesn't sound fun.

-Tiny Dogs- Tiny dogs suck so bad that I'm not going to even explain why. Especially really tiny, very furry dogs that look more like troll dolls than actual animals. Ugh.

There are some other pets, like 98% of cats, that belong on this list, but cats are too obvious. Besides, a cat couldn't care less if you don't like him. If you died, he'd just be pissed that you were dead instead of feeding him, and then once somebody else fed him, he'd forget all about you and your good-for-nothing corpse.

The point here is this: Don't waist your money on novelty pets when you could be spending it on things like hookers and crank.