Brian is unintentionally creepy.

OK so I've come to the conclusion that my mouth acts about 20 times faster than my brain sometimes. This leads to some extremely awkward statements coming out of my mouth that make me sound, at best, like a big weirdo, and at worst like a crazy glue sniffing homeless derelict. It also prompts some of the strangest looks from the unfortunate people on the receiving end of said comments. I'm not trying to be weird here, it's just that my brain works a little differently from most people's, and the filter between my thoughts and my mouth is a little slow on the uptake at times. This is the same filter that helps you NOT tell your girlfriend that her best friend looks like a manatee in a sundress, or that her uncle looks like he molests most everyone he sees. Here is a very abbreviated list (what I can think of right this instant) of some of the bug-eye inducing things I have said recently:

To a woman in a Packers shirt today: "Watch out wearing that shirt! That dude (pointing at a Cub Foods employee pushing 20 carts) might choke you.

To a crowd of people: "If I was going to rape somebody, I guess I'd rape 100 people, give or take. It's basically a freebie after the first one. You're going to jail forever no matter what."

To a door to door vacuum salesman: "You remind me of this Tweety Bird cartoon where a cat tries to sell a vacuum to another cat.....(trailing off as he looks at me, bewildered) uh, nevermind."

To a woman wearing a big metal halo on her broken neck: " Ow, that looks heavy. I broke my pinky once."

To a guy admiring my truck: "It's big and black, like an NBA player."

To a co-worker: "I gotta pee. Gimme your garbage."

On my first job interview: "It smells like old wood around here. What's that all about?"

On a different interview: "You actually have to call people you don't know?? Ugh, who would do that?"

To a telemarketer: "I have to let you go. My kids are burning."

To a midget at Byerly's: "Were you on Seinfeld? You just kinda look like, uh, you know, the little guy." (Side note: The little person looked like he was going to somehow get me into a prone position and murder me slowly so I went to a different aisle, then I just left my cart there and took off.)

To a Vikings cheerleader at Buffalo Wild Wings: "I like your shiny underpants, I mean, um....."

To a men's room attendant: "I peed on my hands a little."

To a gay pizza store owner: "HAW. That guy just dropped a whole slice of pizza on the floor. What a homo!!"

And on and on ad nauseum. I hope to some day cure this affliction, but until then, feel happy that as many silly things as you've said in your life, I've probably said more.