The Decline of Minnesota Sports

After a particularly disappointing Vikings game last night, I got to thinking about the sorry state of affairs Minnesota sports is in general. It's really gross. It's making me seriously consider moving to a different state and adopting a whole new set of teams to root for. Just not Wisconsin. I'd rather root for cancer. Seriously though.

Vikings- Mediocre at best. QB makes poor decisions and seems to enjoy getting hurt so he doesn't have to play. Left tackle is more aggressive at South Beach nightclubs than on the field. Coach looks like Mr Noodle. Owner's name is Zygi. Bad omen. Most boring team in football.

Twins-Mediocre also but have played out of their minds for most of the year. Coming back down to earth at a very bad time. Bullpen is awful. Will need to be supremely lucky the rest of year for any postseason hopes.

Wild-Really boring. Best player wants out. Fans inexplicably jerk off to this team regardless of how they are playing. Doesn't make sense.

T-Wolves-Bad team stuck in an ugly arena. Drew more homeless vagrants than fans at many games last year. GM makes moronic moves daily, and then goes up to his cabin and acts smug while looking like Frankenstein. 40 2 guards, 0 point guards. Will struggle to be competitive for years.

Gopher Sports: Football team has gone 2-0 against the MAC and people are thrilled. Will probably finish 6-6. Pepperidge Farms Sweaty Ballsack Bowl in Omaha, here we come. Basketball team is perpetually young, may be good down the road but not this year.
Hockey team loses too much in state talent. Coach has really gay hair.

Lynx: Always suck. Ball looks stupid. Nobody on the team can dunk. Not enough scary lesbians.

Everybody else: Nobody cares.

See??? Right now we're swimming in a sea of mediocrity and apathy when it comes to
Minnesota sports. I'm going to have to move before more holes in my walls start mysteriously appearing. Maybe Boston, or Antarctica.