SPAM

Every night I go to sleep, and during my peaceful nighttime slumber I am inundated with bizarre, spammy emails. Usually 6 or 7 of them a night show up, ranging from the usual to the extremely bizarre. The usual Spam is one of a few topics:

1.) Enlarge your penis-Why is everyone so concerned with the size of my penis? Leave my penis alone. It concerns me when I get an email from somebody called Ernesto Frogbody and he wants to help grow my penis, like it's a rhubarb or something. I send an email back and say "I don't roll that way Ernesto, please use your magic penis growing wand on someone else." Surprisingly, I never get a response back.

2.) Naked pictures of Angelina Jolie- Sounds worthwhile, but I am always skeptical when I get an email from Borox Q. Squall (real email) and it has a "RE:" in the subject. Now, I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I think I would remember sending an email to somebody named Borox Q. Squall. That name sort of lingers. And then in the body it says something like, "Good Morning my good ally, Anjelena Golie wears no the clothes." Now, let's just pretend for a second that I wasn't sure whether I had a friend named Borox Q. Squall or not. This opening sentence would prove that I didn't because none of my friends would ever start out an email with "good morning my good ally." If it started "Hey bighead," then I might be more inclined to believe it.

3.) An uber-rich foreign dignitary wants to give me a zillion dollars for nothing- This is an old familiar scam that apparently still works because if it didn't, I wouldn't still be getting mail from Grand High Prince Longo Bogongo. Personally, if you fall for this scam still today you are either:
a) Old
b) Retarded
or c) An old retard
It makes me wonder why Nigerians are so fond of email scams. What's the correlation there?

This accounts for about 90% of my Spam, and it goes right into the trash. Either that or I forward it to my mom, in an attempt to be a Spam middle man. Then, occasionally I get really wild emails that make no sense but are filled with extreme hilarity. For instance, I'll get an email from someone and the subject will be "Does Eggplant really cure sludging feet diseases????? Scientist point to OF COURSE!!!" At 7:30 in the morning this is a little hard to absorb. So I stare blankly at it for about 5 minutes trying to cull anything even remotely reasonable from this message until I finally come to the conclusion that this means absolutely nothing. I mean really, what the hell is a sludging foot disease?? It sounds kind of yucky, but it doesn't exist (Side Note: I googled it just now to be sure). I want to email this person back and impart this wisdom on them, but unfortunately the email was sent by Mister Empty Space and I can't. Which brings me to my next question. Why send Spam if you can't be contacted back? What if I am an old retard who is very concerned about Sludging foot disease and I want to buy some eggplant at a dramatic mark up but I can't because Mister Empty Space has no email address? What then? The store? With it's normal, non-therapeutic eggplants? I'm shit out of luck. Who would write this? I think if I was trying to con idiots out of their money I would think of a subject that was a little more persuasive, and a little less strange than "Does Eggplant really cure sludging feet diseases?????" But that's just me.