Giant Mutant Spiders are Scary!

I woke up this morning and there was a huge spider crawling on my arm. Why is it that whenever you wake up to find a bug crawling on you it's always way bigger than it should be? It's never just a run-of-the-mill bug, but a huge, flushed-down-the-toilet and grew to immense proportions bug. One time I woke up to find that a Millipede was breakdancing on my forehead. I still haven't quite recovered from that and I was 11.

So anyway this stupid, tarantula like spider was crawling on my arm so of course I shrieked like a girl and made this lame attempt to smack it off my arm, kind of like a tennis backhand, or maybe even a bitchslap. I didn't want to smash it directly on my arm because it looked like it had a lot of guts in it and I didn't want guts all over my arm. It also looked like it would be hard to squish and kill instantly and perhaps with it's last dying wish it would bite the hell out of my forearm and my forearm would get infected and the skin would slough off, and then I'd have to get my arm amputated. My brain is full of realistic consequences like this.

So I bitchslap the spider and it flies into the wall, making a noise like a Tic-Tac hitting a wood floor, then it falls to the ground and scuttles away. Now I'm posed with an even scarier possibility. What if this big spider is some sort of mutant that's also super smart? And what if he was just out for a walk and thought he was walking over a big log or something but instead it was me. Then I beat the crap out of him for no good reason. What if he's back hiding in a house crevasse licking his wounds and plotting revenge against the big angry log thing that slapped him around? This is serious! I might never sleep again!! Then again I probably will because if I spent all my time worrying about every supersmart spider, invisible burglar, and sneaky ninja who hides my inhaler at night, I'm sure I'd really never sleep.