Chester Stories

Around my family we have a set of tales involving strange things my grandfather did. We call these "Chester Stories." Because he would have turned 99 on saturday, I thought it would be appropriate to come up with a list of my favorite Chester stories. Here is the list.

Chester:

-Got his car stuck perpendicular to the road in Meadowbrook so that the school bus I'm riding on (or any other vehicles) can't get past. When the bus driver tries to intervene, Chester yells at her.
-Drove to the grocery store and accidentally parked on the island so that all 4 tires are somehow dangling in the air.
-Gets a pork chop bone lodged in his throat. Opts for "sleeping it off" instead of "going to the hospital."
Family: But Chester, you have a pork chop bone stuck in your throat!!!
Chester: EHHHHH (waives hand dismissively)
-Loves to eat moldy things because they contain healthful penicillin.
-Screams out answers when it isn't his turn while playing Trivial Pursuit, much to the chagrin of my grandmother
-Says to female collection agency callers, "Thank you for calling Madam, now will you kindly go fuck yourself."
-Has a seeing eye driver. Was legally blind but still drove. My grandmother would work the steering wheel, and you'd hear things like "LEFT CHESTER" "RIGHT CHESTER" and "STOP CHESTER, THERE ARE SCHOOL CHILDREN IN THE ROAD"
-Almost ate Jimmy and Lily, my two chameleons who had died in the winter and were in the freezer because I was waiting for Spring to give them a proper burial, because he thought they were appetizers.
-Ate 1/4 of a stick of butter on a fork because he thought it was a scallop.
-Intended to marry a woman 40 years younger than him but was concerned that her father wouldn't approve of him.
-Frequently let his testicles hang out of his boxer shorts when male company was over. His reasoning? "It's just a guy."
-Erroneously believed that "dry" always equaled "clean", especially when it came to pants. And urine.
-Had to completely lay down to get out of a car. We still don't quite understand the dynamics of that.
-Had toenails that were thicker than tree bark, and harder too.
-Insisted that he be called "Chet" instead of "Grampa" because grampa made him sound old, even though by the time I could say "Chet" he was in his 70's.

And our personal favorite:

-Goes to the doctor. Finds out he has mouth cancer. Shrugs his shoulders and begins to leave. The doctor wants to begin treatment immediately. Chester will have no part of it.
Doctor: But Mr. Jensen, you have mouth cancer!!
Chester: EHHHHHHH. (waives hand dismissively and leaves)