The Kentucky Derby Rule Changes

With the Kentucky Derby coming up tomorrow, I felt it incumbent upon me to post this confession about myself. No, I didn't make love to a horse one time. My confession is this. Try as I might, I cannot get excited about horse racing. I've tried too. One time I sat at my house and studied stuff about horses (four legs, tail, brown, poop on street etc..). Then when the Kentucky Derby started, I put on my silliest hat, poured myself a Mint Julep, and held on to a pennant that said "Horse" on it. I was in full derby mode, with full derby regalia.... and it didn't work.
I can't get excited about stuff going around in a circle, no matter what I try. This is the same problem I have with NASCAR. Too circular.

So here's what I would do to make the Kentucky Derby more exciting... for me.

1.) The horses should be encouraged to bite and kick each other while racing. This could make the race somewhat similar to Bumfights, except with horses and sprinting in a circle

2.) The Jockeys should be able to whip, and/or throw dirt clumps at each other. The phrase "jockeying for position" would finally have some teeth.

3.) At the halfway point, the jockey would have to jump off the horse and be replaced by a new jockey while the horse keeps running at full speed. Sort of like jockey batons.

4.) If a horse poops on the track while running, 10 seconds is automatically taken off his time. This would serve no real purpose, but I've never seen pooping and sprinting together.

5.) The horse who finishes last has to be eaten by his jockey, bones and all.

Now, to answer to the horse racing purists who would say that these rule changes would dramatically affect the integrity of the sport.

Horse racing purist: These rule changes are dramatically affecting the integrity of the sport!!
Brian: You are correct. Now shut up and eat your horse bones.