Why is it always me?

I don't understand why all these bizarre things happen to me, but they always have. I guess I unintentially invite them upon me, but not on purpose. If they were to make a movie about my life, it would be called "Stupid Stuff Happens to This Dude." It would have no beginning or end, just an hour and a half of awkward nonsense, and the audience would walk out scratching their taints in confusion. Or their heads.

The latest bizarre thing, in a seemingly unending cycle, happened the other day while I was walking out of the gym. I had just finished off a pretty good workout, I was tired and satisfied. Then, this happened. A man and his 4 year old son were walking towards the gym when a car came screeching through the parking lot and almost killed them both. The dad slapped his hand on the car and kept walking. The car pulled up next to him, rolled down his window, and an old man in full VFW array stuck his head out and said "GET OUT OF THE ROAD, ASSHOLE." The guy looked incredulously at him, and said, "This is a parking lot." The old man said, "UP YOURS ASSHOLE, I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY." To which the guy responded, "I'm gonna call the cops." This enraged the old man, so he parked his car, right there in the middle of the road, and went out to fight. He was walking with his dukes up towards this guy who would have crushed his withered old body like nothing, all the while shouting obscenities, especially the word "Asshole." He pronounced it weird too. It sounded like "AH-SO", like something a ninja might say to you before he chopped your face off.

So then the guy waved him off and walked into the gym. The old man turns around and heads back to his gigantic buick, which is now parked and idling in the middle of the road, and what's the first thing he sees? That's right, me, staring at him with my mouth agape like I just saw Bigfoot and DB Cooper making out. So he says, "What are YOU looking at, you AH-SO?" and starts coming at me, dukes cocked, rocked and ready to roll. This situation presented me with a few possible options, none of which seemed remotely cool.

A.) Run from old man, look like giant weiner in process
B.) Kill old man, possible jail time or at least a fine
C.) Say "Grampa, is that you, we've been so worried?" and hug him
D.) Let him beat on me for a while. He might get tired and die.

I chose "A" and I am now the world's biggest AH-SO. As I look back on that moment, I can't help but think, "I sure wish I would have killed that old man and taken his VFW hat." Oh well, some other time perhaps.