A Time to be Thankful

Being that the Thanksgiving season is upon us I thought I would give an incomplete list of the things I am thankful for this holiday season. In no particular order I am thankful for:

1.) My family
2.) My dog who chews his foot constantly so that it may eventually be amputated
3.) My other dog who protects us from garbage trucks and 13 year olds
4.) The female buttocks
5.) Turkeys (because they hang out on the railroad tracks and eat gravel)
6.) Other turkeys (because I eat them and get sleepy)
7.) Whale blowholes
8.) My penis
9.) The garbage man for taking my garbage (because I don't know what I would do with it otherwise)
10.) Fantasy Football (For making Sundays fun even when the Vikings are gay homosexuals)
11.) Random Debris
12.) Being able to see
13.) Being able to wear pants
14.) Being able to see that others are wearing pants
15.) Rhioceri
16.) Monkeys, as long as they are flinging poo
17.) That time when I found 5 bucks in the grass
18.) My scrotum
19.) My other scrotum
20.) My neighbor who screams obscenities at his wife while doing yard work
21.) This pig I saw on the internet with giant balls
22.) Public urination
23.) Unicorn meat (especially Unicorn Noodle Soup)
24.) The fact that I haven't zipped my weiner into my zipper in nearly a year
25.) The fact that I don't have a giganticly disproportionate or misshapen ass
26.) Any dance that has "extreme pelvic thrust" as one of it's moves
27.) Andre the Giant
28.) Ghetto Fabulous sunglasses found in the ashtray at Menards
29.) Areolas that aren't way huge like Kate Winslet's
30.) The Minnesota Valkyrie (even the no talent hoes riding the pine)
31.) Gay people who don't talk about butt sex in casual conversation
32.) Nymphomaniacs who live near me
33.) Morning farts
34.) The fact that I never get a boner while sprinting
35.) The fact that I never got arrested for stealing condoms because I was too embarrassed to buy them.
36.) Kangaroo pouches
37.) The fact that my nipples are symmetrical
38.) My yard, for being at the bottom of a hill, so I can watch out my window and root for cars to crash when it's slippery
39.) My kids for learning to whistle, and then sounding like foghorns running out of batteries because they can't whistle a tune.
40.) The word "crotch"
41.) Occupy "insert city here" for making me feel like less of a loser
42.) Cat burglars
43.) Fully charged riding carts at the grocery store
44.) Kumquats
45.) The City of Kansas City.
46.) When I saw a dildo in the sewer one time.
47.) This sparkly platypus from my dreams
48.) Anybody who's last name is "Orgasm"
49.) People who mispronounce the word "chipotle"
50.) Sacajawea dollars
51.) This guy at the gym who admitted that he had a "chapped buns"
52.) Anybody who puts crack in their salad
53.) The fact that I can pee longer if I drink a big glass of water while peeing
54.) Tortoises
55.) Flapjacks
56.) The endocrine system
57.) Pooping while running at full speed.

As I've mentioned, this is not a "complete" list. For the full list, please contact the records department of the St. Ignatius Home for the Partially Insane. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!