Stupid Cliches.

Recently a person told me that my daughter was "cuter than a bug's ear." At first I was offended, and I almost responded to the women, "Well, you're about as cute as a dragon's taint!" But then I realized that she was being complimentary so I didn't say that. But when you think about it, bugs don't even have ears, at least visible ones. The closest thing to ears they have are probably those feelers things that are sticking off their heads (I think they're actually called antennae, but in my family they were feelers), and those aren't cute. They're actually kind of creepy. I got to thinking about how many stupid cliches there are just zooming out of people's mouths from time to time.

She's as happy as a clam- Am I to believe that we are so enlightened as a scientific community, that we can actually tell the moods of mollusks. I don't believe so. Clams aren't happy or sad, they're just clams. If the cliche was "happy as a bearded clam" that would make a lot more sense because, as we all know, they are always smiling. Or at least gaping.

Any publicity is good publicity- This is dangerously untrue. Let's say, for instance, you get arrested for raping puppies. It's all over the news and the papers. From then on, you are known as "Steve the dog pounder." You get scornful looks wherever you go, and some overzealous group of PETA enthusiasts burns your house down so you have to move to the projects where people rob your house every other day and sic their pit bulls on you. That is not good publicity.

No news is good news- Sort of goes with the one above. Let's say you were passed out in your room after a night of drinking Everclear and shooting heroin, and your rolling meth lab explodes and starts your trailer on fire. If nobody tells you that news, you suffer a fiery death, and I don't think that can ever qualify as good news.

Don't cry over spilt milk- What if you're in a bomb shelter with your cat, and the cat's company is the only thing keeping you alive while World War III rages on above you, and the only thing keeping the cat alive is milk? Then you spill all the milk which dissolves into the ground because you were too lazy to build a bottom to your bomb shelter because you incorrectly assumed that the only thing you'd ever use it for was to store beer in. Wouldn't you start to cry knowing that, in essence, you had indirectly doomed yourself by spilling milk because now your cat was going to starve to death, which in turn would make you die because the only thing keeping you alive in this post-apocalyptic mess was the companionship of your stupid cat??? I would definitely cry. Then I'd probably eat the cat.

That rubs me the wrong way- Ish. That's just gross!

A "Call for Action"- This is one of those things people say when they are too lazy to actually do anything about a problem.

Guy: I can't believe people keep stealing my children.
Other guy: I'm putting out a call for action right now.
Guy: Good, let's go home. America's Biggest Loser is on.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder- No it doesn't. Absence makes the heart forget about you eventually. You ever know anybody that died? The longer they stay dead, the less you think about them. By the time they've been dead for about 6 months, you barely remember who that person even was. A better cliche would be "Abstinence makes the weiner grow fonder." Everybody knows that's true. Some people will hump a hole in the couch after about a month of abstinence.

So there you have it. Let's all come up with some new cliches that actually make sense. You will be doing your language a great service if you do. And I'll be happier than Michael Jackson at a Jonas Brothers concert.