Internet Dating Tips

I was just reading some dating personals on the internet, because it seemed like a better thing to be doing than working, and I have to say it's surprising to me that anybody ever bones anybody else meeting each other like this. Here are some of my issues.

1.) There's too many weird acronyms in these messages for me to have much idea what this girl is all about half the time. What's a BBW? A big-booty whitegirl? A bad ball washer? A big buffalo wing? Takes too long to figure out. You're dumped.

2.) People sound like insecure liars. Other people (me) can see through that. A sample of things people said:
-"Curvy" = Fat
-"Pretty" = Pretty Gross looking
-"I just want to be held" = I've never been on a date before and I'm 30. And fat.
-"Average build"= Built like a dump truck
- "2 kids and not much drama"= A slut with an ex who still humps and beats her
-"Great Personality"= Really fat and ugly
-"Told I have a great smile"= Gingivitis
-"Done playing head games" = I will definitely let you steal my savings to buy meth, and then forgive you when you don't call me for 3 months
-"Sassy" = Huge pain in the ass.
- "I believe in true love" = I'm an idealistic moron. And fat.
- "Easy on the eyes" = If you're blind.
- "BBW" = This means fat, I'm just not sure how fat

3.) Some people tell you things you wouldn't want to know even if you were married to them.
- "I need someone who's not hairy because I got raped by a badger when I was 12 and have nightmares about fur."

4.) The ones who have pics look absolutely atrocious. Like "Not even with a stolen penis would I get near you" atrocious. If you're going to put pictures up why would you choose:
a.) Side of face Mugshot pic
b.) Cell phone pic of you squatting like you're peeing in your living room
c.) Pic of you frowning while wearing too tight jeans with one leg rolled up gangsta-style

Good rule of thumb here: If you look like the cookie monster, don't post a pic.

I was just thinking that people should hire me to make their dating profiles suck less. I'm sure I would be great at this because
a.) I'm awesome
b.) The current profiles suck, as I've mentioned.

To prove that I am qualified for this job I just invented, here is what my Internet Dating Profile would look like, if I was not married obviously (Luv U hunny).

"Really awesome dude with gigantic weiner seeks girl to eventually cheat on. Must be good at cleaning bathrooms, especially mine, and going away. Should hate things like roundabouts, hornets, and those sweaters with stupid flimsy necks that look like vaginas. Also anything else I might think of.

I enjoy tabby kittens, puffy clouds, long walks by the fireplace, groupie luv, throwing dirt clumps at old people, borrowing money, walking thru tall grass without pants, foods that begin with the letter "Q", anything made of velveteen, sneaking into other's gardens and eating their vegetables, St Patrick's Eve, donating meth to charity, scotch eggs, cornflakes and bourbon, porno movies filmed in Chernobyl, making booger sculptures, screaming at horses to "GIDDYUP", and female nudity.

You should enjoy all these things too. Now please send 20 dollars and a picture of yourself. Then, 1 of 3 things will happen.

1.) I will look at your picture and spontaneously barf all over it. Then I will keep your 20 dollars.
2.) I will look at your picture, shake my head, throw it in a fire, and keep your 20 dollars. But I may send you a sea monkey for trying.
3.) I will look at your picture, and invite you over. But if you want to join my gang, first you're going to have to kill somebody. That's the way it goes in gangs. You pick the person out, so I have plausible deniability in case you do something dumb like get caught or kill the King of England or something. If you succeed, you can come over. If you get caught, you get caught. Either way, I keep your 20 dollars."

Pretty much, if somebody posted something like that, dates would just start falling from everywhere like a plague of locusts, except much different. So yeah, let me know if you want to take advantage of this opportunity, because pretty soon it will seem stupid to me.