Brian Has an Itch

You know what sucks? Did you ever get a really bad itch in a spot you can't get to? I hate that.

I don't just mean an itch in the middle of your back or something that your arms can't reach because in a pinch you can always just sidle up to a wall corner and itch your back grizzly bear style. It's different than that.

It's like my bones itch sometimes. About once a week I get a really bad itch right on my left ulna, and I can't scratch it because I can't touch my bones because of all the arm skin. It makes me angry. Angry Birds angry. But not angry enough to rip off my flesh and itch my arm bone. So I just have to wait for it to go away. Waiting for an itch to go away is like waiting for Jehovah's Witnesses to leave your doorstep when you're naked and trapped downstairs and all your clothes are upstairs and you live in a split level house so the only way to get upstairs is to walk by the door where the Jehovah's Witnesses will see that you've been ignoring them and they'll also see your Wang. It sucks.

But even worse than having your bones itch is when you have an itch in a really inappropriate place. What do you do then? Have you ever been out in public when all of a sudden you get a really bad itch right in your butthole? I was at a Timberwolves game once when all of a sudden my butthole started to itch really bad! If I had been at home, I would have just itched my butthole, and then probably washed my hands. But you can't just start itching your butthole in front of 10,000 people unless you are:

a.) 2 years old
b.) Clinically insane
c.) In a big war

I did not fit any of those groups perfectly, so that meant I just had to sit there with an itchy butthole while my son ate Cotton Candy and Snow Cones for dinner and spilled all over himself. It's difficult trying to cheer for any team while your butthole itches.

Maybe it's just me who has these issues. I don't know.